"Stacked's" Pamela Anderson opens the book.

Nobody expected "Stacked" to finish the 2004-2005 season as the top comedy, beating "Joey" and every other flat sitcom. It did, and it's coming back for 13 more episodes in 2005-2006. But since "Stacked" was the topic of the Tour's absolute final panel, the few critics who showed up still didn't take it seriously. Call it a matter of consistency -- I mean, why start respecting it at this very second?

Let's figure out what makes it a success later and get to the real topic at hand. We heard gossip that Anderson has returned to ex-husband Tommy Lee's skanky embrace.

Anderson

"Absolute-leeeeeee NOT," Anderson told us. "I'm just trying to get him some press for his new show."

Wait a minute ... does this mean she's saying NBC's upcoming "Tommy Lee Goes to College" (due 9 p.m. Tuesday, Aug. 16) is worth a look?

Heck if she knows. "I'm endorsing him," she said, not his show. "I know that's gotten me in some trouble in the past."

Is he grateful for the boost? "No!" she said with a laugh and a resigned sigh. "He's family."

Maybe it's because we were all tired and itching to get the heck outta the Hilton, but Anderson surprised us with her easy candor and wit. Or maybe she lies very convincingly. I guess we'll know in a couple of weeks.

When someone marveled over the fact that Anderson had lovely golden hair, a plentiful chest and smarts, she jovially revealed the source of her mystical powers. "When you have nothing to live up to, you can't disappoint anybody," she said. "So when (people) find out you can form a full sentence, you're a genius."

Seems like a fitting way to end this crazy Tour, don't you think?

Fox gives us a good "Break"

At long last, a session on a series worth getting excited about: "Prison Break," which gets out of the gate in a two-hour premiere on Aug. 29, airing until baseball starts, returning afterward.

Starring Dominic Purcell and Wentworth Miller, it's a thriller the producers hope approximates "The Shawshank Redemption" more than "Oz," accentuating chills and despair over scatological horrors.

Wentworth Miller and Sarah Wayne Callies in "Prison Break"

Miller has a major physical challenge required of his role -- the blueprints to the prison, the main tool for the impending break, are tattooed all over his character's body.

They're not real, but they might as well be. "The tattoo takes about four to five hours to apply, if you've got two people working on it. It's like a series of decals that fit together like puzzles. They're kind of more sophisticated versions of what you might find in a Cracker Jack box," Miller explained.

It lasts for two or three weeks if he doesn't remove it with solvents, he added, hoping for the sake of his tenderest bits that the makeup guys only need to apply it in bits and pieces from now on. As it stands, they have to reapply it every eight days.

Which isn't as miserable as being in an old prison in Joliet, Ill., where the exteriors were shot. "The overall mood there is one of despair which ... helps immeasurably when you're trying to pretend that you're in prison," he said, adding that he has no idea what it's really like to be an inmate.

Neither do we critics, but this being the last day, we couldn't help feeling like we had some sense of the experience. Co-star Sarah Wayne Callies rounded out the description beautifully:

"It's so old that it was sort of built when we had a different idea of what it meant to be in prison," Callies said. "Maybe less of retribution and more of reform. There are these sort of encouraging phrases put up in funny places. If you're standing in the middle of the prison yard, you can see a sign that says, 'Make time serve you.' Which is sort of like, 'Buck up and enjoy your sentence!' It's a very strange thing to see."

We can only imagine.

Hush hush, my darling ... no, really, zip it.

Here's a tip. If you really like an actor or actress -- and by "like" I mean, they star in dreams that have you waking up flushed and happy, or you decide they're adorable based on a character they play really well -- do yourself a favor and don't attempt to engage them. You'll ruin the fantasy.

Say hi, tell them you like their work, but leave it at that. Trust me. Nine times out of 10, more extensive encounters never end up being everything you expected. And all future experiences with that person on or off the screen will be tainted.

Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz

Take yesterday's conversation with David Boreanaz, currently starring in Fox's investigative drama "Bones," airing Tuesdays at 8 as of Sept. 13. Boreanaz co-stars as Agent Seeley Booth, the law enforcer to Dr. Temperance Brennan's forensics anthropologist (Emily Deschanel).

Now, don't get me wrong, I've spoken with Boreanaz before, and he's nice enough. A very get-the-job-done sort of guy. And visions of him in "Angel," in which he played the strong, silent type to perfection, still make the ladies sigh.

Boreanaz broods too, but he is not silent. And that's too bad.

When asked about his experience with "Buffy" and "Angel," the shows that made him famous, he had this to offer about character development:

"We didn't have restraints. We were able to open up our lives, bring what was relevant to a character, make it real and personal to the people who were watching, which I think is more interesting to watch than a straightforward, typical person who's going to do what's arranged for them -- it never made sense to me."

OK, thanks. You can simmer down now.

"It never made sense in Joss's (Whedon, "Buffy" creator) world as well," he continued. "His eye was always into the unique little blue ball that was spinning freely, and within that is a spark. I think that we have that here, and it's a testimony to great writing because it has to be on the page."

After I sorted out what that speech was about, another questioner took us back to an earlier remark he had made about not initially liking "Bones" producers Hart Hanson and Barry Josephson. That launched Boreanaz into another long story about having gone to the audition on a bad morning that began with chasing his wild 3-year-old.

"I was remembering eating some bad muffins. I'm not supposed to eat muffins because it's a bad carb and your LPLs will be going up, but I wanted one anyway, and there just wasn't an equal amount of blueberries in this one muffin I wanted."

Blah blah blah, Boreanaz went into the office to talk about the script. "I was kind of conflicted with some of the ideas of, 'Is this going to be recent bones? Is this going to be a recently decomposed body? How is this going to work week to week?' And then Hart started talking about my show 'Angel,' and I just really was not into talking about that.

"And then Barry just sat there."

Mind you, this came after the session's highlight, when someone asked about the perks of being partnered with a strong female doctor versus a strong female vampire slayer.

"Well, I can actually go to bed with this one," Boreanaz said.

"You mean without losing your soul," Hanson added.

"Exactly," Boreanaz finished. "Possibly."

So you can still have those fantasies, ladies. Just make sure they start with, "Shh -- no more talking."

Hitting the wall

"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead." -- from "Barfly."

One goes through four psychological stages as Press Tour progresses.

The first is acceptance. It hits within a few hours following arrival, as we resignedly tell ourselves that we have to do this for 18 days straight. Given the fact that we're trapped in freezing ballrooms all day listening to a bunch of people who believe they have profound wisdom to share, embracing this stage is no easy task.

A week passes, bringing on the tortured misery portion of the event. Some approach this phase like a person in denial about his marriage being in the can -- they stuff down the stifling hopelessness with smiles and laughter, burying themselves in work.

Earlier this week came naked irritation. That would be an escalation of subtle, detectable hostility toward the people who make television, good and awful. Publicists stop asking us what we think of their shows because they know we're going take loads of evil delight in answering the question. We make jokes about seppuku. We may even throw cutlery at one another. You know, innocent fun.

And by the last two days -- as in, yesterday and today -- most of us are one useless panel away from mounting a live performance of "Destroy All Monsters" in the hotel lobby.

Fox is all too familiar with this stage because it tends to be the network that sends us over the edge. Ah, but the executives also know the secret to staving off any riots that might brew while discussing shows such as "Stacked" and "Head Cases."

It's simple really. Dull our already deadened senses with candy and booze.

They are evil, evil genuises at Fox.

In addition to the bag of M&Ms, chocolate covered pretzels and nuts set at each place yesterday morning, Fox's home video, licensing and merchandising folks threw a "Family Guy" themed lunch with a martini bar in the back of the room.

A martini bar. At noon.

As if that wasn't sufficient, the minute the last session of the day ended, BAM! Another bar materialized by the conference room exit. So determined was Fox to ply us with liquor that I began to fear the mere parting of my lips would be a signal for a publicist to yank my hair back as another jammed a bottle of tequila down my gullet, yelling "AY-YI-YI-YI-YI! Viva 'Prison Break!'"

OK, I'm exagerrating a little. A little. Nevertheless, the message was clear: Fox feels they have a competitive slate of shows. Of course they do. Peter Liguori spoke of making choices for the schedule based on a world in which "American Idol" did not exist, where every series thrives with or without a whopping lead-in. Yes, he has a dream today.

And if he has to addle our brains to win us over, so be it.

For the record, boss, I swear upon Pamela Anderson's cleavage that I didn't fall for any of it. But I swiped a printout of the drink menu from the "Family Guy" lunch, figuring that the least I could do was share a few cocktail recipes. You'll have to work out the proportions on your own. Cheers, and good luck.

Victory is Mine!
Raspberries, vodka, fresh lime juice, simple syrup. Garnished with raspberries speared on a cocktail skewer.

Evil Monkey
Vodka, white cranberry juice, fresh lime juice, sugar water.

Brian's Dirty Martini
Vodka, dry vermouth, olive brine.

The Giggety Giggety Goo
Vodka and blue caracao with a splash of lemon juice. Garnish with a lemon twist.

World Domination
Vodka and Grand Marnier topped with champagne. Garnished with a twist of orange.

Friggin' Sweet Martini
Vodka, sugar, fresh mint leaves, fresh lime juice. Top with a splash of champagne, garnish with a lime.

Straight up now tell me, Mr. Liguori...

Either you have read, or will read, about Fox entertainment president Peter Liguori discussing the Paula Abdul and Corey Clark affair. An inquiry is currently being carried out by an independent counsel hired by Fox, 19 TV Ltd. and FremantleMedia.

Abdul

At stake is whether or not Abdul will keep her position as an "American Idol" judge because, as Liguori told us over and over again, "any allegations against this show, we take quite seriously. The credibility of the competition is extraordinarily important to us."

The way that press conference was going this morning, you would have thought the whole deal was going to be made into a publishable report. Who am I kidding? Someone's probably writing that right now.

But here's what I got out of it.

a) Liguori stressed how important it is that Fox maintain the credibility of "Idol."

b) He added, "Look, the audience loves Paula. She continues to get support. She continues to light up our online sites and message boards. She is part and parcel of that show, and her specific style seems to be working quite well."

c) Abdul also is part of Fox's summer series "So You Think You Can Dance." She's traveling around and teaching regular people a few moves.

d) "American Idol," in its current incarnation, is the main reason Fox ended last season in first place in the 18-49 demographic, for the first time ever.

e) People seem to have forgiven Martha Stewart. Why not Abdul?

Put it all together, and my guess is that unless some truly horrifying stories come out of that probe, the "did she or didn't she" question won't matter -- that woman will forever be "American Idol's" girl.

If the investigation has not been completed by Aug. 18, the first day of auditions for the fifth round of "Idol," she'll be joining Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell for another go.

At any rate, Fox and Liguori had other announcements as well.

Liguori

Fox is trying to take reality in a new new direction, because that uplifting, feel-good stuff just is not for them. But what it has proposed, "XQuest," sounds...well, confusing, to be honest.

See if you can figure this out. It is a partially scripted, partially unscripted competition soap opera that approximates a sci-fi movie, with two teams and a lot of crazy computer graphics. Apparently a couple of specially constructed NASA simulators, called "biocrafts, will be the teams' temporary home. Imagine Entertainment and one of the producers of the videogame "Halo" are putting it together.

Much more straightforward is the news that "MADtv's" Josh Meyers is joining "That '70s Show" as a regular, and Ashton Kutcher will return for four episodes.

"Commander in Chief" and the far side of the Tour

Pardon us for jumping back in time for a moment, but the session for "Commander In Chief" was at the end of the day yesterday. We headed straight out to the ABC evening event afterwards, drowned in noisy disco music and talkative stars, then came home and collapsed. It was right into Fox this morning, so bear with me.

Davis

"Commander In Chief," which premieres Tuesday, Sept. 27 at 9 p.m., deserves mentioning because it casts Geena Davis as the first female president, bringing a dream of Rod Lurie's ("The Contender") to fruition. He made a long speech about the wonders of women that made the ladies around me sigh.

But we have plenty of time between now and the premiere to talk about him. What you want is Davis's words, right?

"For me to be able to be the President -- for Thelma to be the President, I just think it's delightful," she told critics. "Or Stuart's mother. Whatever way you want to look at it. It's certainly the role with the most gravitas that I've had to play, and I find that fascinating."

Here's how I'd like to look at it: Charly Baltimore is the President. And I have a feeling she thinks of it that way, too. "You know, my favorite President movie is 'Air Force One,' and I think it's because the President gets a gun and saves everybody."

Nice. But back to Bobbing for Stars. The fun took place at The Abbey, one of the most lush gay clubs in Hollywood. At any given moment you were in danger of tripping over a Desperate Housewife. One critic ended up dancing with Teri Hatcher, the lucky devil. I got a couple of moments alone with Patrick Dempsey... to be related at a later date.

Dempsey

What I will tell you is that Sandra Oh, Katherine Heigl, Patrick Dempsey and James Pickens Jr. from "Grey's Anatomy" are all wonderful people and take representing Seattle very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that an ABC bird told me that the cast plans on visiting Seattle to film exterior shots for the show.

I also heard that the writers are striving to make Seattle a more prominent character in the series, much in the way New York City was the unspoken co-star of "Sex and the City."

I should add that Heigl and Pickens are both excellent dancers, which is nothing to sniff at down here. Believe me. I caught sight of a couple of NBC folks committing crimes against rhythm at a live Amy Grant show that network arranged for us a couple of nights ago. Hoo! Not pretty.

I shouldn't feign surprise. Out of all the networks, ABC seems to have its steps down, and NBC doesn't. But we'll see how their scorecards look by midseason -- both have offerings waiting in the wings that look stronger than what's on tap for fall.

Complicating "The Simple Life"

Pop quiz: Who is the prime minister of Iraq?

No clue?

How about this: What's the status of Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton's friendship?

Bet you knew the answer to that one right away. You also may have heard that Hilton's celebutante buddy Kimberly Stewart was being considered to replace Richie on the duo's tired Fox series "The Simple Life."

And if you're really up on it, you know that America may soon witness detente in Bimbo War 2005, although not because the girls are in counseling, or because Paris has reached the "forgive and, like, that other thing" stage of acceptance. Contractual obligation is more like it.

Nicole and Paris: Together again?

Or so we can glean from this morning's executive session with Fox Broadcasting Company's president of entertainment Peter Liguori, who confirmed the network has picked up Hilton and Richie for another season of "The Simple Life."

Because we sure can't get enough of that show.

Liguori admitted he was uncertain of the direction in which "Simple Life" would head this time, but hinted that since each of the girls is engaged, viewers can expect more wild and crazy fun ahead. Separately filmed wild and crazy fun, we're guessing, but still.

When asked if the pair was back in friendship's lacy bosom once more, Liguori could only say, "Not to my knowledge, but I'm not that up on it. I haven't read this week's US magazine."

That's a small relief.

A happy ending to "Dancing with the Stars"...

Lest you think that all of our complaining over "Dancing with the Stars" was for naught -- heck, I sure did -- ABC announced late yesterday that it is adding a 30-minute results show to the second season.

My goodness, they listened to us. Who knew?

The half-hour will follow each week's hourlong episode, finale included. Each hour will feature two dances accompanied by judges' comments and scores, followed by a period of viewer votes via telephone and Web site.

Minorities, the TV industry's aliens

Hollywood remains a tough market for actors and actresses who aren't white. Few people know that better than Gabrielle Union.

Union

This fall, the African-American actress co-stars on "Night Stalker," but audiences know her best as the first black woman to set foot in the New York City depicted on "Friends." She credited her ABC show for reflecting the true diversity of Los Angeles -- something she can't say of every television series.

"As you're auditioning for different shows...you're sitting in the room, and it's you and a gorgeous Asian woman and a gorgeous Latina and a gorgeous woman from the Middle East and then, like, 12 blondes. And you're like, 'Hmm, wonder who is going to get it?'" she told critics.

"And then it's like, 'Well, we don't want to go black.' We're like, 'She's a secretary, or she's a...whatever. It's not like we're sisters. What does it matter what color they are?'

"...I'm guessing you've all sort of been in Manhattan and Los Angeles, Miami, Chicago, where they love to have these shows take place," she continued. "The idea that there is a complete lack of diversity is -- it's like science fiction. If there can be dog people running around, there can be black people on television."

One person's creepshow is another's idea of family viewing

Every showrunner talks about his or her series being a family affair.

"Freddie," premiering Wednesday, Oct. 5 at 8:30, is about a guy whose sisters and grandmother move in with him. Selling that as as a family show seems plausible. (Selling it as a good show, less so.)

What's really happening on "Invasion"?

"Invasion"? That's a tougher pitch, but creator and executive producer Shaun Cassidy tossed it out anyway. "I come from a complicated family," he told critics this morning. "I like family, but I think they're a microcosm for all that's good and bad in the world."

And in this series, which premieres after "Lost" at 10 p.m. on Sept. 21, Cassidy explores goodness and evil from the perspective of two broken families who survive a hurricane in Homestead, Fla. The trick is, the parents and children have yet to discover that this natural disaster is connected to a deluge of lights falling into the ocean.

"Invasion" is a subtle program. While the title implies a show about aliens, Cassidy was loathe to link the series to extraterrestrial beings.

"The invasion is the hurricane. The invasion is the new stepfather in my home," he said. "The invasion is the baby in my body. The invasion (is) the orange things in the water. The invasion is change and how we acclimate and how we respond and how we survive against pretty formidable odds."

OK, a person might envision parents and kids settling down together for a show like that. But "Night Stalker"? I don't know.

Stuart Townsend plays Carl Kolchak and Gabrille Union plays Perri Reed in the new "Night Stalker."

First off, it's called "Night Stalker."

Secondly, although it's a remake of the cult series "Kolchak: The Night Stalker," it's much harder than the original ever was. In the premiere (which comes to air 9 p.m. Sept. 29) there are reporters and cops talking -- not showing, but talking -- about a pregnant victim whose fetus was ripped out of her.

Feel free to bring the kids!

Still, "Night Stalker" writer and executive producer Frank Spotnitz defended that as perfect for all ages.

"Kids love to be scared," he said. "I loved to be scared. I was 11 years old, and let me tell you, the original 'Night Stalker' movie was pretty scary...You had cocktail waitresses being killed by a vampire, blood taken out of their bodies. It was pretty gruesome.

"...I don't think the way to deal with fears is not to dramatize them," Spotnitz continued. "I have strong feelings about how you depict violence on television. I don't believe in showing any more than is necessary."

You know, he has a point there. Leaving horror to the imagination is a noble device.

In fact, his defense makes me remember bedtime stories my mother used to tell me when I was little. "Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, pregnant princess. And she was dragged out her castle, ripped to shreds, and her unborn child --"

...Sorry, Frank, but I wouldn't count on many invitations to family dinner.

Another "Lost" actor found!

Man, new people are popping up on that island all the time, aren't they?

You probably already know Michelle Rodriguez ("The Fast and The Furious," "Resident Evil") has joined the cast of "Lost." There had been rumors that Samuel L. Jackson had signed on as well, but as we know now, that was a red herring.

However, maybe the person who started that rumor got Jackson confused with another black man, because this morning, an ABC flak announced that Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje is joining the cast as a man named Emeka.

And you're thinking, "Who? Ade-whah?" We know. Most of the people in the room had the same reaction.

However, you should recognize Mr. Akinnuoye-Agbaje immediately if you have seen the HBO series "Oz," in which he played the formidable Simon Adebisi. This development also reteams Akinnuoye-Agbaje with former "Oz" castmate Harold Perrineau -- or I should say, it will if Perrineau's character Michael is a good swimmer.

The only thing ABC's material says about Emeka is that he is "a mysterious man whose presence on the island -- and intentions -- will be revealed in one of the early episodes in the upcoming second season."

Here's hoping Emeka is a whiz with numbers.

Unleashing our canned heat on "Dancing with the Stars"

Every summer, the Television Critics Association Press Tour yields a scandal to write about. Whether it is fed to us or we scratch it up like chickens hunting for worms in the yard, critics expect it. I'd even go so far to say that we live for it.

This time around, the well has been miserably dry. NBC had nothing. CBS, UPN and The WB don't have the guts to tick off America for a possible ratings gain; CBS doesn't need to, and the weblets have a tough enough time getting people to watch as it is.

Fox, sadly, has not announced a second round of "Who's Your Daddy?" or "The Littlest Groom."

Then there's ABC.

The Alphabet has had recent flirtations with disaster. The network almost aired the controversial reality competition "Welcome to the Neighborhood," but pulled it after advocacy groups voiced concerns.

A few reporters expressed half-hearted irritation over "Brat Camp," ABC's show about troubled kids going through a nature challenge program called SageWalk.
But network entertainment president Stephen McPherson acquitted himself in regard to that series as well.

That left the "Dancing with the Stars" finale.

Out came the knives.

"Dancing With the Stars" is returning to ABC's schedule in midseason, with a different group of stars and the same judges.

And for the benefit of those who weren't utterly outraged by the final episode - from what I can tell, that includes a fair chunk of Seattle viewers - here's a recap.

John O'Hurley and his partner, Charlotte Jorgensen.

The surprise summer hit came down to the underemployed John O'Hurley and Kelly Monaco, star of ABC's daytime soap "General Hospital."

Monaco had her share of troubles over the six-week contest, while O'Hurley danced like a snowy-haired angel, making grandmothers weep with joy.

It was a bit of a surprise when about 22 million viewers watched O'Hurley's magical quickstep during the live finale and saw the judges give it a great but not perfect score. After that, Monaco shook her sparkly underpants to a trio of 10s.

"Dancing" works pretty much in same way that "American Idol" does: There is a panel of judges - the overly animated Bruno Tonioli, Len Goodman and Carrie Ann Inaba - scoring the contestants, but the public helps decide the winner by phoning in votes. One major difference is that highest scores from both judges and the audience are combined to determine which couple gets eliminated

O'Hurley was the better overall dancer, while Monaco began the series in last place. Still, when the winner was announced, it was Monaco and her dance partner Alec Mazo.

Viewers bellowed that the fix was in, some believing that Monaco, an ABC star, would have won in any case.

McPherson insisted that wasn't true, admitting that the scoring methods probably should have been clearer.

He added that Monaco won the viewer vote in any case, which was based on the previous week's competition and tabulated before she and O'Hurley even performed that night. That last dance, which Monaco nailed, didn't even count in the final analysis.

In other words, executives knew who won before the finale even aired, but strung us along. You know, just like "American Idol."

Even if Tonioli and his henchmen had favored O'Hurley, the viewer vote would have broken the tie. And remember, while most people with fond memories of O'Hurley on "Seinfeld" probably had better things to do, Monaco had legions of faithful daytime viewers backing her.

And as a few male colleagues pointed out to me, you can find nude pictures of her on the Internet. Surely that put her over the top.

To appease us before leaving, McPherson hinted the network might consider bringing back O'Hurley and Monaco for a no-steps-barred "dance off," ABC's ballroom version of "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo."

"I think it's a great idea," he said with a smirk.

You would think that we'd be happy with this news, but we weren't. Lord, no! Even though most of us genuinely don't care, someone had to pay.

Kelly Monaco and her partner, Alec Mazo.

Luckily for us, Monaco was due to appear on a "Dancing With the Stars" panel at the end of the day.

To the diminutive star's credit, she was ready to rumble as soon as the Q&A commenced with, "For the judges, with all due respect, and I'm asking this on behalf of my readers - what in the hell were you thinking in the finale?"

"What were you watching?" Tonioli shot back. "It was obvious! She gave the best performance of the evening!" Which did not matter, he should have added. "So I stand by my 10!" As did Inaba, who showed up dressed like a silver fairy, and Goodman.

Then Monaco offered, "Dance is in the eye of the beholder. John and I, I'm from Venus, he's from Mars, or whatever way you want to put it."

Maybe she should have just stayed quiet. But with golden wisdom like that, who was going to let her?

Someone implied that Monaco's ongoing employment at ABC was the reason she won.

"And I guess Trista (Rehn, former "Bachelorette" and fellow contestant) wasn't a part of ABC then, huh?" Monaco snipped angrily. "No? She wasn't an ABC darling, but I happen to be because I won the competition? That's crazy."

Monaco has a point. She has slaved away in the daytime mines for years now with little recognition. "Dancing with the Stars," she told us, has opened up new opportunities for her. She's getting offers for primetime and film. Almost flashing America has its privileges.

Besides, I saw that final glide. Stop denying it, America. You know her boogie was for real.

The trophy

On a final note, I am obliged to add that as television pseudo-scandals go, this one's fairly pea-brained. Even an ABC spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous, pointed out that our furor was over nothing more than which star got saddled with the world's ugliest trophy.

"Did you see it?" Disney's Deep Throat whispered to me. "It's a glittering disco ball with ‘Dancing With the Stars' on it. It's awful! We have to do better."

Why? That gives us fuel for next year's attack.

"Lost" and "Desperate" for dish

Now that ABC's turn is here, I have stopped contemplating how I'm going to make it through the rest of my seasonal sentence in the Hollywood gulag.

ABC actually has series that people care about, thank God, along with a few that exist to take our abuse. The finale of "Dancing with the Stars," for example. Kelly Monaco's victory inspired a great deal of discussion this morning, which I'll recap later. There's only a small window between now and that session, and we're all fairly testy today, so it should be a good time.

So I'll just share a few details about "Lost," "Alias" and "Desperate Housewives," as revealed to us this morning by ABC's president of entertainment Stephen McPherson, as well as other ABC sources.

-- "Desperate Housewives" premieres Sunday, Sept. 25, at 9 p.m. ("Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" and "Grey's Anatomy" also kick off that night, at 7 and 10 respectively. "Extreme" has a two hour premiere.)

-- McPherson said that ABC is gearing up for sizable marketing campaigns linked to its series. For example, in support of "Desperate," ABC is once again circulating dry cleaning bags with the show's logo on them. As a bonus, random customers will get t-shirts included in their clean laundry.

McPherson did not reveal which markets or dry cleaners would get the bags because ABC is afraid some other network (Fox, I'm looking in your direction) might steal the idea from the Alphabet before they can implement their plans.

He was similarly mysterious as to which other shows will bribe viewers with graft. "I really can't get into it because other people are ripping the ideas off. It's that competitive," he said.

If Seattle is targeted to receive the "Desperate" bags or any other show-related goodies, we'll start seeing them next month and after Labor Day.

-- Rex Van De Kamp really is dead.

-- "Lost" and "Desperate" will each have 23 episode seasons. "Lost's" kicks off Wednesday, Sept. 21 at 9 p.m.

-- McPherson would not guarantee that ABC programming would start and end on time. So any of these shows could end up running longer than an hour this season when warranted.

-- Also, "Lost" fans will be happy to know that a key mystery is finally going to pay off. “Literally, in the very opening show, you will find out what’s in the hatch," McPherson said. "And it’s not like, ‘Oh, we went down, and there another ladder!’ It’s much, much more significant." He went on to say that what Jack and the rest find there will change the dynamic of the entire show.

--Damon Lindelof did not want McPherson to reveal whether the guys on the raft will make it. Or whether anyone is marked for death this season.

"I can’t say that they’ll all live or they all die. But I think, who knows? Many of them are fantastic characters that we probably want to keep around," McPherson said. "That said, when people die on the show, and I think Damon said it, people will be dead. We’re not going to have people reappear."

-- So yes, Virginia, Boone really is dead.

-- "Alias" creator J.J. Abrams intends to incorporate Jennifer Garner's pregnancy into the storyline. Presumably that won't mean standing behind plants or inappropriate restaurant scenes.

"The show runners this year and J.J. are really focused on how to do that and how to make it realistic and not, you know, campy," McPherson said. "J.J. is a master at this stuff. I love the fact that he's embracing it. I think it would be a mistake to hide it.

-- Abrams also knows what makes the show tick: Garner running in her underwear.

-- And jiggling.

-- And fighting.

-- Without shots of Sydney in her underwear, jiggling and fighting, a new hire may be taking over thong duty. "She's going to be mentoring a younger agent, and you'll be able to get some of that, maybe, sex appeal, if you will, in different places."

"Le Loi et L'ordeur: Intention de Criminel"

If Jose Bove thought McDonald's represented a terrible affront to French and global culture, wait until he gets a load of Dick Wolf and his virulent effects.

Yesterday, Monsieur Le Loup announced that he and NBC Universal Television Distribution have sold the format for "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" to TFI, France's top broadcaster, which will develop a French version of the series. The yet-to-be-named show is set debut in 2006.

Though our dramas air around the world in their original forms (with trippy voiceovers in some countries), Wolf's international coup marks the first time an American scripted drama has been formatted for abroad. Naturally he sees great potential for world conquest.

"I anticipate, because of their enthusiasm and the French's love of mysteries, that we are in a situation that could really bear fruit," Wolf told critics. "And I think if it bears fruit in France, it's a pump primer for the rest of the world."

Take warning, Planet Earth. Wolf's other big announcement was that the three "Law & Order" shows would pass the 600 episode mark once this season gets underway. We can't even escape "Law & Order" on cable, where it airs on TNT and USA.

And if it works for Wolf, imagine all of the other series that might be similarly localized for audiences in other countries. Mon dieu, save us all.

...and more of those NBC blues.

You know your Tour day is going badly when:

-- You just picked up a midseason series called "Windfall," an ensemble drama about 20 lottery winners. And, although critics actually seem interested in it, the actors involved do not.

Parrilla

To wit: This morning, we were expecting series star Luke Perry to show up, but had to settle for his co-worker Jacklyn Desantis, who appeared to be nodding off in her chair. Which was onstage.

Her co-star Lana Parrilla had a look on her face that made a person wonder if she had stepped in something a Great Dane had left behind. Meanwhile, "Windfall's" Alice Greczyn got caught in this unfortunate exchange with a reporter:

Greczyn

"I'd like to know how analogous this is to getting your big break in Hollywood, winning the lottery."

"I'm sorry," she said, "what was that word?"

"Analagous. It means, 'like.'"

-- You know your Tour day is going badly when Ming-Na, who made her career on "E.R." and co-helms "Inconceivable" with Jonathan Cake, has her lips pursed defensively as her show's executive producer yammers on and on because nobody is asking them, or late cast addition Angie Harmon, any questions.

And when the questions finally get rolling, they concern Cake's role in the ABC miniseries "Empire, " which wasn't great TV, but was a lot more fun to look at than "Inconceivable." You know she knows this doesn't bode well.

Capshaw

-- You know your Tour day is going badly when you have Jessica Capshaw playing a former fat woman on the midseason series "Thick and Thin," and know she'll never get fat. What's the point, beyond ensuring that the people who would relate to her pseudo-struggles most, i.e. actual fat people, won't watch? That would be something you come to realize too late in the game.

And Lorne Michaels, executive producer and legendary "Saturday Night Live" head honcho, is on the panel, yet nobody has anything to ask of him. Not. A. Thing.

And the show's creator and executive producer, Paula Pell, feels she needs to address the male journalists in the room as "cutie" to keep our attention. The last time these guys were called "cutie," they were in diapers. Sadly, the tactic worked.

-- Finally, you know your Tour day is going badly when you hope that the mid-afternoon snack has a "Book of Daniel" theme, offering an assortment of mind-erasing pills. But it's smoothies and frozen bananas, which makes you wish you had bought "Arrested Development" two seasons ago instead of going with "Whoopi."

If you can relate to any of these situations, then your name must be Jeff Zucker. And you have every right to thank heaven that NBC's turn at Press Tour is nearly finished. Believe you me, the rest of us are.

As exciting as a day at "The Office"

Expressing doubt that NBC is shooting blanks this fall? Obviously you were not here yesterday, which may go down in the books as the most desperate leg of Press Tour.

Yeah, sure, the difference between boredom and excitement is what you bring to the party. But cut us some slack, because NBC sure isn't breaking anything close to news.

I suppose there's reason to celebrate NBC entertainment president Kevin Reilly's announcement that shows would start on time and end on time. Trust me when I say that's merely a case of Reilly knowing his network's limitations. Other than "My Name is Earl," I don't think there's a single fall show on NBC that's worth its time allotment, let alone any extensions.

"Surface" stars (l-r) Jay R. Ferguson, Lake Bell, Rade Sherbedegia and Carter Jenkins.

And if I sound grumpy, just remember that we're the suckers being forced to endure shows like "Surface," about a newly discovered underwater species and all the lives it affects.

We're the ones who had to listen to twin show creators Jonas and Josh Pate express themselves in voices so dippy they belong on "South Park." "It's about awe? and wonder? and, like, people always want to know, is the species good or bad?" Josh Pate said. "And my answer is always, 'Is a tiger good or bad?'"

We're the ones who were too polite to tell Dennis Hopper and Benjamin Bratt, here to promote "E-Ring, how much we aren't anticipating this show. The producers rid Bratt's character of a wife, putting Sarah Clarke out of work, and hired Kelly Rutherford. Hopper didn't do anything insane, and Bratt insisted we treat him like an actor and not a hunk of prime rib.

Understand, these people are simply being as honest as possible. But that is not why we come to Hollywood. We come to be seduced into continuing to like network television, and NBC was failing to hold up its end of the deal. If the shows are a snore, at least ensure the people representing them get a hit of laughing gas before they take to the stage. You know, give us something.

Carell

That is why I looked forward to the final panel of the day: "The Office." Steve Carell plus Rainn Wilson equals: reason to stay awake.

Wait ... not quite. Wilson tried his best; when the going got tough, he'd pipe in with nuggets like, "Dwight is revealed to be a woman. Should I have not ... ?" Oh, and Carell did a great imitation of Paul Lynde that we cannot possibly re-create here. Maybe I was too far gone to draw vitality from their attempts to be witty, but I couldn't help wishing for a "Scrubs" panel.

And why not? "Scrubs" is up for two Emmys, one for star Zach Braff and the other for best comedy series. Intelligent birdie that is it, NBC did not put "Scrubs" on the fall schedule; the network is hoping "My Name is Earl" and "The Office" will gain some traction on Tuesday nights.

Scrubs has a full 22 episode order, and will be back on the air sometime in midseason --"sooner rather than later," Reilly told us. Which we take to mean as soon one of the new shows tanks, opening up a spot for it on the schedule.

So we should expect its return, what, at some point in October? Actually, as it stands now, you'll see it in early 2006. Here's hoping we can stay conscious for that long.

"My Name is Earl" and my mustache is unfortunate

One of the first questions posed to Jason Lee, star of NBC's Tuesday night comedy "My Name is Earl," asked how it felt to have the hope of a network riding on his back.

"Good morning!" he replied with a smile.

Lee in "My Name is Earl"

Maintaining a positive attitude toward NBC's expectations will serve Lee well in the long run. In truth, though, he has less to worry about than most. The overall vibe towards his show is positive. People seem to like the actor's appeal most of all.

His whiskers are a different story. Those of us used to seeing Lee in films such as "A Guy Thing" and "Dogma" are familiar with his well-groomed mug and the winning grin that sells it.

The walrus 'stache he grew for Earl doesn't do him any favors, and that's the point. Earl Hickey is a loser extraordinaire whose only salvation is his dumb luck and the $100,000 he won with a lottery scratch ticket. Inspired by this random boon, he sets about doing good deeds to right his past wrongs. Sadly for Lee, who looks truly goofy with facial hair, that does not include a nice shave to make mother happy.

"I'm locked into it through the end of February," he said. "... We thought it would be good. We tried a Fu Manchu, but I looked a little too shady. So we shaved the Fu Man and just left the Tom Selleck."

Remember kids, what works for Magnum, P.I., doesn't work for everyone. Lee is living proof of that.

"Early on, when we were talking about what this character should look like, Jason told me, he goes, 'Trust me. When you see me in a mustache, you'll laugh,'" recalled series creator Greg Garcia.

"And he was right."

Salting the peacock's tail

We have a week to go, and we're pretty much finished being polite. Around here that means talking smack about a series or a network within earshot of executives, producers, even the sensitive talent, and not caring how they feel about it.

In other words, NBC arrived just in the nick of time.

NBC had a rough year. The network lost close to a billion dollars at the upfronts in May; canceled every new show it premiered in 2004-2005 except for "Medium" and "Joey," the second of which should be dead; and finished the season in fourth place.

Such news made the evil jackals within us begin salivating. Every press tour, you see, NBC Universal executives Jeff Zucker and Kevin Reilly make a grand entrance, strutting around the stage while talking about the old rules no longer applying and lying through their teeth about how tremendous their schedule is.

This wild arrogance even continued through last year, when the network was stinking worse than Kevin Federline's feet. That, my friends, is plain delusional behavior. If Tom Cruise were a network, he would be NBC.

Reilly

Thus it was something of a shock to see Reilly, NBC's president of entertainment, humbly walk onstage alone on Sunday morning. Then he admitted to his network's failures.

To continue the TomKat metaphor, he appeared to be where I imagine Katie Holmes will be, emotionally speaking, in about five years. That is, repentant and full of regret at having force-fed her lapse of reason to the public.

"Really, last season for us was kind of a colonic. It wasn't a lot of fun to go through at the time, but it's going to be healthy in the long run," Reilly said. "It really took any residual sense of entitlement or complacency at our company and blew it out, so to speak."

Having planted that delightful image in our heads minutes after many of us had consumed bran muffins and coffee, he tiptoed through the Peacock's plans.

NBC's season officially starts Sept. 19. The final season of "Will & Grace" kicks off Sept. 29 with a live episode directed by James Burrows, guest starring Alec Baldwin and Eric Stoltz. Two versions will be shot, one for each coast, with different jokes for each broadcast.

The network also has projects in development with Paul Haggis ("Million Dollar Baby," "Crash") and Frank Darabont ("The Shawshank Redemption"). Reilly then announced NBC's pick-up of two more dramas: "Windfall," about a group of friends who win a $386 million lottery jackpot, and "Book of Daniel," starring Aidan Quinn. A reality series called "Treasure Hunter" also is in the works.

Finally, Reilly exhibited cautious optimism regarding "My Name is Earl," which debuts at 9 p.m. Sept. 20, and will be paired in the hour with another season of "The Office."

Apparently "Earl" was the highest-testing comedy in 15 years -- meaning, a group of strangers who watched it in a dark room somewhere liked it more than lots of other junk, including "Friends."

Again, Reilly didn't admit that until someone asked him about it, and he refused to see too much into "Earl's" test score. "Medical Investigation" probably tested well, too. Look at where that got him.

He didn't mention other comedies NBC is holding back for midseason, including "Four Kings" and "Thick and Thin," neither of which is worth getting excited about.

In fact, Reilly didn't give us many direct answers to our questions. The only "scoop" we found out about "The West Wing," for instance, is that it has a 22-episode commitment, and that it will run straight through except for a few interruptions. No news about when the Bartlet administration might make its exit or anything along those lines. He didn't even have Martha Stewart's "Apprentice" catchphrase to share.

This bored us. Boredom leads to surliness. And a surly critic is a rude critic.

"Why is it so hard right now for NBC to make a good comedy?" somebody asked. "... Are we really to believe that 'Thick and Thin' is one of the three best comedies you had this year? And if so, what's the problem?"

Reilly did a softshoe around the question before fielding the next one.

"Kevin, I don't think I've ever seen NBC seem as 'I'm humbled' as you were when you came out to talk to us. I think in January you were still kind of in denial," another obviously emboldened soul asked. "When did this set in, this realization? And seriously, how tough is it to concede these points and say, 'Hey, we may not have hit bottom yet and we're in trouble?'"

Ouch!

"Well, it's human nature. There was denial. There was denial. That's human nature," Reilly said with a nervous smile. "... At this point in time, just the fact is the fact ... we had enormous, history-making hits going away. We needed to re-seed them. It didn't happen, and now we are where we are. I can tell you, it's like a weird monkey off my back, in a way."

There was more. "Do you personally feel under the gun?" "Thursday night, aren't you just wasting a season here? You've got all shows down-trending."

I almost felt sorry for the man.

But then, what does Reilly expect? Zucker was in Reilly's position from 2000 until last year -- he was named president of NBC Universal's Television Group upon Reilly's arrival -- and did not bring a single bona fide hit to the network during his tenure. Zucker set NBC up for the downhill slide Reilly has inherited. We shouldn't be surprised the new entertainment president hasn't yet found a way to stop its skid.

The surest thing NBC has in the works is -- what else? -- another Dick Wolf project. It won't be under the "Law & Order" umbrella, especially since "Trial By Jury" didn't perform as expected. Wolf was quite ticked off at the fourth "Law & Order's" cancellation, Reilly added. So to ease his annoyance, NBC is putting the producer's new show on the development fast track.

"We have a tremendous amount of business we're going to do with Dick," the executive said.

Look at that statement in another way, and it pretty much sums up the state of things at NBC, too.

The 21st Annual TCA Awards

"How kick ass is it that we have an awards show where you have to wear a bracelet? Where are the kegs?"--Damon Lindelof, co-creator and executive producer of TCA award winner "Lost."

That's the nature of the Television Critics Association awards ceremony in a nutshell -- we show our love to the industry's best programs and performers by getting all of them, and ourselves, tanked. It's as laid back as a house party.

Last night's 21st Annual TCA Awards was the same as it ever was -- the best mixer of this soul-draining marathon we call press tour. Even better, it was hosted by "The Late Late Show's" Craig Ferguson -- who actually stuck around! (Most hosts say their piece at the top of the show, then duck out while everyone else is speechifying. That makes Ferguson an especially good egg.)

It is also famous for being an awards ceremony in which the stars and producers attending know they're going to win ahead of time. To show their appreciation for the lack of pretense, wonderful people from the cast of "Lost" and "Desperate Housewives" creator Marc Cherry merrily hung around with the critics until we became too obnoxious to endure. Then they slipped out unnoticed.

The evening's finest moment was delivered by Bob Newhart, the nicest guy in Hollywood, who came with his daughter to accept an award for Career Achievement.

"I love television," he said during his acceptance speech. "As you people know, more than anyone, it is the most powerful medium ever. It has great power to elevate, and it has great power to debase. And you are its keepers."

Here is the complete list of 2005 TCA Award recipients.

PROGRAM OF THE YEAR: “Desperate Housewives,” ABC.

OUTSTANDING NEW PROGRAM: “Lost,” ABC.

OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN DRAMA: “Lost,” ABC.

OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN COMEDY: “Arrested Development,” Fox.

OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN NEWS & INFORMATION: “Frontline,” PBS.

OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN CHILDREN'S PROGRAMMING: “Degrassi: The Next Generation,” The N.

OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN MOVIES, MINI-SERIES & SPECIALS: “The Office Special,” BBC America.

INDIVIDUAL ACHIEVEMENT IN COMEDY: Jon Stewart, “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” Comedy Central.

INDIVIDUAL ACHIEVEMENT IN DRAMA: Hugh Laurie, “House,” Fox.

HERITAGE AWARD: “Nightline,” ABC.

CAREER ACHIEVEMENT: Bob Newhart

The death of a salesman

One star you will no longer see on The WB is Michigan J. Frog.

The lovable top hat and tails-sporting Warner Bros. icon was completely absent from the corporate logos hanging on the walls on Friday. Mr. Frog, the face of the network since its 1995 launch, has been replaced by some artsy green, blue and yellow paint smears as the backdrop to the network's letters.

"The Frog is dead," declared WB Chairman Garth Ancier, making the room gasp at the cruelty of it all.

R.I.P., old friend

"Wait, wait -- we should talk about that!" said president of entertainment David Janollari. "That was a symbol that ... perpetuated the young teen feel of the network, and that is not the image we want to put out to our audience."

Not with Fran Drescher, Reba McEntire, Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith hanging out there, no.

You may remember the Frog from his 1955 debut in the Chuck Jones short, "One Froggy Evening." He was discovered by a construction worker that found him inside a box. Mr. Frog repaid the man by jumping out of said box and performing an assortment of ragtime tunes. The human thought he'd hit the jackpot.

When the worker attempted to cash in on Michigan's talent by taking him to a talent agency or putting him onstage, the Frog went limp and merely croaked. The poor human ultimately jammed the Frog, box and all, into the structure of another building under construction, where he was found again by a Man of the Future.

And ... scene.

Though Mr. Frog thought "One Froggy Evening" would launch his career, show business is a cruel mistress.

By 1969, when a world finally was ready to embrace an amphibian, it chose a gentler, fuzzier version named Kermit. The civil rights era was still in full swing, and the Muppet was more attuned to the times than Mr. Frog, who couldn't overcome frequent comparisons to Al Jolson.

Other than a few vaudeville performances and a weak sequel, "Another Froggy Evening," he had problem finding steady work until The WB approached him in the 1990s. (Recently Mr. Frog admitted being on the verge of selling his prized legs to a Cajun restaurant in order to make ends meet.)

Sensing an opportunity, Mr. Frog reworked the lyrics in his signature song, "The Michigan Rag," to read "Everybody watch The WB," and he was hired in 1995.

While network suits would not specify the cause of death, critics drew their own horrible conclusions upon seeing the new logo. It looked a lot like someone had crushed the cartoon in a wine press and use his gushy remains as paint in a fit of blind anger.

Police would not comment beyond saying there was insufficient evidence to treat Mr. Frog's disappearance as a case of foul play.

Janollari said that services would be held, but did not specify where or when. In lieu of flowers, The WB kindly asks that you send higher ratings.

Beyond "Supernatural," I couldn't relate.

The WB has one show worth looking forward to on its fall schedule -- "Supernatural," a series about a pair of brothers compelled to hunt evil, searching for their father in a muscle car, kicking butt to a classic metal soundtrack.

It stars WB alums Jared Padalecki ("Gilmore Girls") and Jensen Ackles ("Smallville"), and will air in "Buffy's" former timeslot, 9 p.m. Tuesdays, starting Sept. 13.

Jared Padelecki, left, and Jensen Ackles

In "Supernatural," the producers explained, evil takes the form of American mythological figures such as the Lady in White, Bloody Mary, and the hook-handed psycho who haunts Lover's Lane. Every Big Bad will be based on actual urban legends. And the pilot, it was delicious.

Series executive producer Eric Kripke, who runs the show with Robert Singer and McG, called it his opportunity to do "Star Wars" in truckstop America.

"I have a mandate to the writers to make the show Google-worthy," Kripke said.

See, that is what a TCA panel is supposed to do -- stimulate interest. One would think Marta Kauffman, the woman partially responsible for giving us "Friends," would know that.

Kauffman made a fatal error this afternoon when she introduced her new show "Related," about four hot sisters who ... relate ... to ... each ... other ... sorry, the pilot wasn't ready.

But Kauffman beamed in a speech via satellite, of which I only caught this snippet.

"Ann Sorelli is being played by the equally beautiful and stunningly talented Kiele Sanchez," she read, pausing for canned applause before going on. "Unlike Ginnie, Ann left home to go to college, fearing that if she stayed home for school and she mothered her two younger sisters, it would just be too toxic for her.

"She has an incredibly strong sense of self-preservation, and don't think her sisters don't resent her for it," Kauffman continued, making me think that Ann was a stand-in for the producer.

But then came, "She is currently a therapist who specializes in transvestite mental health. It's a niche."

That made me consider my own strong sense of self-preservation and make a hasty exit.

Bringing out the "Twins"

Perverse as this sounds, I was looking forward to the "Twins" panel. Not because it's spectacular television -- ooh, not the case.

The cast of "Twins": (from left) Melanie Griffith, Mark Linn Baker, Molly Stanton and Sara Gilbert

I'll save my rancor for the review, but I have to say this: The title is a double entendre, referring to fraternal twin girls (Sara Gilbert and Molly Stanton) who work for their parents' lingerie business, and the assets of the beautiful but stupid twin, who also is the company spokesmodel. Lame.

Yet I was fairly sure its executive producers, "Will & Grace's" Max Mutchnick and David Kohan, would be a hoot. And Stanton used to play Zombie Charity, Slutty Charity, Evil Charity, Table Dancing Charity, and Original Flavor Charity on the daytime soap "Passions." She had stories.

"I was possessed for a really long time," Stanton said. "That was while I was frozen in an ice block. Then there was the time when I was in hell, which was in the closet, which was cool."

"I've been there too," Mutchnick interjected, playing the Will to Stanton's Grace. "I've been in that same hell."

Truly the wittier members of the panel made it worth attending all on their own. But every sundae needs a cherry, and in this session, it came in the form of Melanie Griffith's verbal wonderstuff.

A little set up, if you will. Before "Twins" started, I introduced myself to a new critic by saying, "I'm the Melanie in the room that has more than half a brain."

I felt awful and catty the moment I uttered that, so I followed it up with an apology. "I'll give Ms. Griffith the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure she's a very intelligent woman."

Mere moments later, I found out that either Griffith is a genius worthy of an Oscar, or my first remark was dead on the money.

In "Twins," Griffith plays the character she has always played. That is, she's a vacant bimbo with terrific .. twins. Oh, but Mrs. Antonio Banderas stressed that she didn't want to be typecast.

"Hopefully I'll be able to show other sides besides just being blonde and dumb," Griffith said.

"There are a lot of blonde people in America," she added, apropos of nothing.

Oh dear.

Later, someone tried to bring her back to her strengths, referencing Griffith's portrayal of Roxy Hart in "Chicago." Would she do other musicals?

"Yeah, I would love to. I don't know if I'd do another singing one, but I wouldn't mind dancing some more."

To take us home, Griffith was asked whether or not her husband would be appearing in the series.

"What am I supposed to say?" she whispered to Mutchnick, who hissed something in her ear. "I'm sorry. I'm new at this. Yes, but it's a secret. Yes, really, honestly, he is. But don't tell anybody.

"Please."

The WB pulls out its Geek, and Don Johnson

... We now return to our regularly scheduled dementia.

The WB's day started in the same way it has for many years now, with communications director Keith Marder's industry-flavored stand-up routine. Marder serves up a traditional feast of tabloid humor, highlighted by the annual Shannen Doherty update ("I heard she was the victim of identity theft, and they returned it.").

We actually enjoy these early morning joke fests, you see, because before Marder went to the crossroads, returning with a job as a network flak and a substantial pay increase, he was the TV critic for the Los Angeles Daily News.

His mission was to soften us up for David Janollari, The WB's somewhat recently hired network president, who was quick to distance himself from last year's failures.

"It's a pleasure for me to be here to present my first development slate at The WB," Janollari said, putting emphasis on the words "first," "development" and "slate."

Then he took credit for "Beauty and the Geek," The WB's summer hit, which has been renewed for a second cycle. Ultra geek Richard Rubin emerged to annoy us, announcing that "Geek" begins fishing for new victims on July 30 with a casting tour that does not include Seattle. Take that as a compliment.

Johnson

Having sufficiently tenderized us, Janollari ceded the stage to the cast of "Just Legal," including Don Johnson, Jay Baruchel, and late addition Jaime Lee Kirchner. (The offbeat legal dramedy premieres after "7th Heaven," 9 p.m. September 19.)

Johnson and Baruchel were the main attractions -- Baruchel because critics adored him in "Undeclared," and Johnson for all sorts of reasons, the main one being that he and ex-wife Melanie Griffith are both on The WB this season.

Yes, somebody pointed that out.

Before telling that story, you may be interested to know that Baruchel's father used the "Miami Vice" soundtrack to brainwash him between the ages of 8 and 12.

"I love 'Miami Vice,'" Baruchel said, making old Sonny Crockett grin. "It's kind of still the coolest show ever.''

And Kirchner? "I can't believe I'm about to say this -- my only relationship with it is, 'Isn't Colin Farrell doing it or something like that?'"

Oof.

I should add that Kirchner received a fair amount of attention as well, because the African American actress is one of a handful of minorities on The WB, making her the network equivalent of the ivory-billed woodpecker.

With the exception of Kirchner and a black family taking up temporary residence on "One Tree Hill," critics still have plenty of reason to call it The White Bread network.

But the real bird watching of the day was yet to come. Johnson's ex-wife appeared in the morning's next panel for her middling but possibly critic-proof sitcom "Twins."

"Is there anything to be taken from the fact that both you and Melanie have new shows on The WB this fall?" some brave soul asked.

"Melanie is working?" he shot back. "... No, that was a joke. Just a joke, OK?...She's terrific. She's a wonderful talent."

Griffith did get her share of laughs but ... oh, just you wait.

Thank you, WB, for Spike-ing your fall TV schedule!

James Marsters is back, ladies and gentlemen -- well, mostly ladies, from what I can glean from your e-mails.

Marsters as Spike

At some point last week, I began receiving a number of requests as to whether the actor formerly known as "Buffy's" boy toy Spike would be showing up on the tube again soon.

Well, about two hours ago, Tom Welling (a.k.a. young Clark Kent) sauntered before us to settle those rumors. Marsters is joining the cast of "Smallville" next season as professor Milton Fine, whom comic book geeks know as Brainiac, one of Superman's greatest foes. He has committed to a number of episodes, according to the accompanying press release. The series premieres at 8 p.m. September 29, and no, Marsters isn't bringing that sexy British accent with him.

For all you "Buffy" fanatics keeping track, that means Alyson Hannigan (Willow), Nicholas Brendon (Xander), Seth Green (Oz), Charisma Carpenter (Cordelia), David Boreanaz (Angel) and Marsters all have a regular presence on your television screen this fall.

Marsters' casting may be sweetest of all, since it brings him back to the network that launched him to fame. And frankly, The WB can use his help. It's no secret that the network formerly known as The Frog did not enjoy its best season in 2004-2005.

This year, The WB wants to reclaim its cool by any means necessary, using strategic hires as a start. Marsters' return was only one of several surprising casting announcements. Welling also revealed that Tom Wopat would be joining the cast, reuniting him with his "Dukes of Hazzard" co-star John Schneider, who plays Clark's dad.

Then Welling added that this year, "Smallville" is digging deeper into the comic book's lore by having Clark explore the Fortress of Solitude and meet the lamest superhero ever, Aquaman. That Welling, he's a talkative guy.

But back to important matters: Before teen Superman made us gasp with glee, network entertainment president David Janollari told critics that Jason Lewis (Smith Jerrod from "Sex and the City") will have a six-episode arc on "Charmed." He's hooking up with Phoebe (Alyssa Milano).

"Charmed" also is bringing on Kaley Cuoco of "8 Simple Rules" fame, playing a teen witch being schooled by the Charmed Ones.

And Haylie Duff will be showing up in 13 episodes of "7th Heaven."

Between Duff, Cuoco and Lewis, it's fairly clear which one is the real viewer bait. Fine by me -- I'm happy to take it.

"Sex, Love & Secrets"... and health hazardous stupidity

Some series reek of idiocy to the point that the viewer goes limp. When they're that foul, even talking about them can immobilize anyone within earshot.

Yesterday afternoon, for instance, I attempted to power through the session for UPN's "Sex, Lies & Secrets," debuting at 9 p.m. Tuesday, Sept. 27. It's a prime-time soap set in Silver Lake, a hip L.A. neighborhood. And it will soon have you pining away for the first season of "Melrose Place." It is that bad.

"Sex, Love & Secrets" cast members Eric Balfour, Denise Richards and Lauren German.

But I soon discovered an evil more sinister than unimaginative primetime programming: Being forced to listen to the babbling dullards responsible for it. Including Denise Richards.

"The show is a study of human nature. It's like a safari in Los Angeles," explained series co-executive producer Michael Gans. "And so we're studying those things that drive humans and make them sort of different than the rest of the animals on the planet. And those things are sex, love and secrets."

I began to feel a slight twitching in my face.

"Although animals have sex, they don't take it to the places we do," Gans continued. "And they fall in love perchance, but we don't know. But humans, we know, do."

Suddenly my head lolled backward and my jaw went slack. My god, this panel was so stupid that my brain was shutting down all unnecessary functions -- muscle control, conscious thought -- as a defensive mechanism.

Then Eric Balfour piped in. "You know, music is such a part of our lives. And you know, there's a soundtrack going on in our heads kind of all the time." I felt a ribbon of drool crawl out of the side of my mouth.

Lord, I was hating it.

Around the time Richards uttered the phrase, "It's really real and fun," a repressed memory from CBS's Wednesday afternoon panel on "Criminal Minds" came flooding back in a blur. My goodness, had Mandy Patinkin brought on a similar fit? I guess so.

Mandy Patinkin plays an FBI profiler in CBS's "Criminal Minds."

I have no idea why "Criminal Minds," a creepy procedural about profilers and exceptionally messed up criminals, took center stage in my thoughts. My mind replayed Patinkin defending the "Criminal Minds" pilot, which featured a woman caged by a serial killer.

Maybe I wished the guy would cage the "Sex, Love & Secrets" cast. That must be it.

Anyway, I recalled that when someone asked what entertainment purpose was served by displaying such gratuitous exploitation at 9 p.m. on Wednesday nights, Patinkin responded cheerily.

"I hope that a show like this heightens your awareness," Patinkin said, "maybe as insignificant as it may seem, because first and foremost, it's entertainment and an escapist element. But I also hope it has an element that the next time you go online to buy something, you might be a little more aware.

"The next time you talk to somebody, the next time you're washing your dishes at a kitchen window, and your 4-year-old is in the yard, before you go to answer the phone, you'll consider who might be able to get into the yard to take your child," Patinkin finished. "Et cetera, et cetera ... that's what I hope."

Fully horrified, I jerked back into a conscious state, returning my attention to "Sex, Love & Secrets" just in time to hear Richards weigh in again.

Richards

"It's never been done before. I'm from the Midwest. I had never even heard of Silver Lake. So I think it's a little, it's different. Everyone has seen shows that take place in Malibu and in Beverly Hills and all that," she offered. "And Silver Lake is different."

I thought I could center myself and finish the panel, but soon after that, her co-star Omar Benson Miller said, "I just prepared a rap for everyone today." Although he was joking, it was enough to make me dash from the room.

Sanity first, friends, sanity first.

A love-in for "Everybody Hates Chris"

Tour always presents us with one pilot, one ray of hope, that makes it all worthwhile. And for that service, critics repay said show's producers, writers and stars by filling all the seats in the room, bombarding panelists with questions, and laughing to the verge of losing bladder control.

Then we pray that subsequent episodes don't swirl into a toilet bowl.

Tyler Williams stars as Chris in "Everybody Hates Chris."

This year's object of affection was Chris Rock's UPN comedy "Everybody Hates Chris," a charming tale based on a childhood filled with family love and playground beatings.

I'm telling you, if viewers like "Everybody Hates Chris" half as much as the people in the room liked the session, Rock and UPN have it made. Except for the fact that it's up against the Thursday night lineups on NBC, CBS and Fox.

This may be the only show in which an actress like Tichina Arnold ("Martin") can say, "Television needs this show right now, because I think this show is refreshing. It's heartfelt" -- and we curmudgeons actually agree with her. "Joey's" folks could never get away with that.

"Everybody Hates Chris," which premieres Sept. 22 at 8 p.m., is equal parts '80s homage, family comedy and warm nostalgia. We should say, aside from classmates slinging ugly racial epithets at little Chris before a mob chases him to the bus ... yeah, there's warmth there.

Rock said that stuff really did happen. The only difference, as he tells it, is that the TV character fights back with his words. In reality he just took the punches, which isn't as funny.

It was reported that Rock developed the pilot with Fox. The network ultimately passed on it, fearing that the comedian would withdraw his involvement after the show was picked up.

Rock responded to that notion by saying, "I've been working a while. I don't think I've ever walked out on anything; I don't think there's any evidence of that.

"My name's Rock, not Chappelle," he added. "Are you confusing me with another skinny black man? What have I walked out on?"

Then things really got going.

On his upbringing: "I grew up in a very loving two-parent household, in the middle of one of the worst ghettos in New York City, Bedford-Stuyvesant," he told us.

"I had so much love in my household. It was really weird -- I didn't know I lived in the ghetto until I was like, 19. I came to L.A. with Eddie Murphy and stayed in hotels and all that stuff. And I got back, and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, and I started getting scared."

On what other titles were considered: "'Let's Shoot Chris in the Head.' Couldn't get that one by the censors ...'Mad About Chris Rock.' 'Rockfeld.'"

On how he cast Tyler James Williams as his younger self: "How did it go? OK, I was at Michael Jackson's house, right? I'm leaving, and I'm in the driveway and this kid runs out yelling, 'WAIT! DON'T LEAVE ME!'"

The real answer: "Tyler was the funniest kid we could find. He's the funniest kid in the country, really. Trust me. There are a lot of unfunny kids out there that need to work on their comedy."

Someone asked the boy if he had ever been in Michael Jackson's house.

"No ... and I don't plan to."

That brings us to Williams. Before "Everybody Hates Chris," the most famous name he had worked with was Big Bird on "Sesame Street." Yet somehow, Williams managed to get Rock's mannerisms and comedic timing down without even trying.

"I like Chris Rock," the 12-year-old said. "But it wasn't until the audition process that I really started to think of how good of an actor he was."

Rock nodded solemnly, pulled out his wallet, and handed his younger self a $20 bill. Williams pocketed it without missing a beat.

And that was when Tour hit its apex. It can only go downhill from here.

UPN and the satellites around "Mars"

The greatest proof of UPN's upward trend is that critics showed up to the executive session.

Seriously. A few people admitted to me that UPN's presentation day used to be when they'd hit the golf links. I don't blame them. Think about it -- a day on the green versus a panel for "Homeboys in Outer Space." Hmm, that's a toughie.

Good thing they stuck around, because network president Dawn Ostroff was in fine form, giving up the dirt about what is expected to be two of fall TV's must-watch shows. That would be Chris Rock's sitcom "Everybody Hates Chris," and the second season of critical love lump "Veronica Mars," which moves to the post-"America's Next Top Model" slot at 9 p.m. Wednesdays. "Top Model" and "Veronica" premiere on September 21.

Since the "Chris" session was the must-see event of the day, we'll let that speak for itself when we can get to it. Besides, the only major news Ostroff had to share about "Chris" was that she refuses to let CBS's Les Moonves and Nina Tassler swipe it for UPN's sister network if it takes off.

"UPN is not a farm system for CBS," she stated.

Kristen Bell

That may be. But when CBS gives UPN an opportunity for additional exposure, you can bet Ostroff's going to jump at it. Exhibit A: Four episodes from "Veronica's" first season are going to air on CBS (KIRO/7). The first two will run next Friday, July 29, between 8 and 10 p.m., followed by single episodes on Aug. 5 at 8, and at the same time on Aug. 12.

Lots of gossip has been circulating about "Veronica" this summer, leading fans to fear for its direction. Ostroff did her best to downplay the rumors that the network has been meddling with creator Rob Thomas and the rest of his team, pressuring them to make cast changes in order to appeal to a larger audience.

The only thing she admitted to doing was ensuring that Thomas dreams up a new mystery for this season. "The tone will absolutely stay the same," she said, aside from the addition of new characters.

UPN already has announced that Charisma Carpenter is joining the cast for at least six episodes next season, making her the second "Buffy" alumnus to show up on the series. (Alyson Hannigan had a guest-starring role last year.) Carpenter plays a trophy wife, a nice ode to Cordelia Chase. Steve Guttenberg also hits Neptune for seven episodes.

Then Ostroff dropped a few more breadcrumbs for fans ...

-- Recent "Top Model" winner Naima Mora appears in the season premiere.

-- Having lived through last year's traumas, Veronica (the outstanding Kristen Bell) is going to come to the conclusion that she's better off leaving detective work to her dad, and tries to be a regular teen girl. Sure. That'll last. On a side note, Bell is in the midst of filming the remake of "Pulse" for The Weinstein Co.

-- The writers are giving Wallace (Percy Daggs III) a girlfriend.

-- Veronica's father, Keith Mars (Enrico Colantoni), will be asked to run for sheriff again.

As for the fears about a key player getting offed soon after the second season premiere, Ostroff wouldn't comment. And forget about finding out who was at the door in the last scene of May's finale.

Regarding that other UPN show people care about, Ostroff said Janice Dickinson will, indeed, rear her evil, plastic head next season. The only thing Ostroff would say is that she is going to appear in the show "in a different way."

What is she going to do, hunt down Twiggy and eat her? Nah. Too many calories.

UPN has two more series premiering this fall. But "Love, Inc." fired co-star Shannen Doherty -- oh, I'm sorry, not fired, but "went in another direction" without her. However you want to put it, producers haven't recast her role.

During the relatively dull "Love, Inc." session this morning, Holly Robinson Peete assured us that the actress in question would be "of the Caucasian persuasion." Hopefully she will love, love, love her in the same way she professed to love, love, love Doherty, who has a reputation for being tough to work with.

The second is a drama called "Sex, Love & Secrets," which used to be called "Sex, Lies & Secrets." I can think of many other things to call it, but none would be suitable for a newspaper. Wait, here's one. What about "Axed"? Short, sweet, and to the point.

But we'll suffer through its afternoon panel anyway.

Hallmark ropes a pope

My hotel room looks like a paper plant exploded. That's what happens around this point in the tour, when networks have spent days bombarding us with press releases, transcripts and...what's the proper catch-all term for miniature dodgeballs, a bottle opener that can double as a hammer, and toys we outgrew decades ago? Oh yes. Crap.

Digging through it this morning, I came across a package. I opened it and found out that -- dear Lord! -- Hallmark, too, will have a pope movie. And it will beat CBS's to the air by a substantial margin. "A Man Who Became Pope," starring nobody you know, premieres on the Hallmark Channel Monday, August 15 at 8.

Enough of CBS. Today we must endure UPN. Say a few Hail Marys for me, will you?

Social progress in TV Land, Pt. II

I could tell other tales of cluelessness here, but this is a happy, sunshiny destination, this blog.

And honestly, we've spent 10 straight days hearing actors discuss the process and wax poetic about challenges and journeys. We've pressed the flesh with producers and handlers. It's been swell.

But all that many of us want to do is go home, ease into the butt grooves we've worked into our couches next to the spouses and partners we've abandoned, sip a perfectly mixed cocktail, and take in "The Daily Show."

Given the circumstances, I'm impressed that anyone can come up with questions to ask these folks. In a room filled with cranky peers, no less.

Besides, you want a limited view of the universe? Talk to a few Hollywood producers.

Here's a perfect example from the same "Threshold" panel, brought to us by executive producer David Goyer (see previous item).

Gugino

Scanning the cast, we noticed the only dame on deck is Carla Gugino, who stars as Dr. Molly Anne Caffrey. Maybe that's not so unusual, since the show is about a secret government operation enacted to thwart what looks like an alien invasion. Sounds very science fiction and, therefore, manly.

But women make up more than half of the viewing audience. If a show is going to succeed Friday nights at 9, it has to court the ladies.

With this in mind, an observant colleague asked if there was a reason that none of the supergeeks aiding Dr. Caffrey is a woman.

"There aren't any supergeeks that are women," responded Goyer. "We thought it was kind of cool, that dynamic...We kind of liked Molly walking into a room of men. And it's typically kind of more of a man's world."

Way to sell that Friday night timeslot.

Social progress in TV Land, Pt. I

Some people imagine that spending all day with scores of television critics would be intellectually stimulating.

Yeah. I laughed out loud at that notion, too.

Remember, while other people are working in labs, creating great works of art, even enriching themselves by reading a "Doonesbury" collection, we are watching television. Some people can quote Nietzsche; we quote Peter Griffin. Most of our debates surround whether or not Neal Carlson, the latest guy to be eliminated from "Rock Star: INXS," was robbed. You get what I'm saying?

The cast of "Threshold": (from left) Peter Dinklage, Rob Benedit, Brent Spiner, Carla Gugino, Brian Van Holt and Charles S. Dutton.

What we lack in worldliness, though, we make up for with an insatiable curiosity. Sometimes that's not exactly a plus. Like, say, when Peter Dinklage, co-star of "Threshold," took the stage today. Dinklage is a stupendous actor who made a name for himself in "The Station Agent." His "Threshold" character is a linguistics and mathematical genius.

Dinklage also happens to be a dwarf, which isn't integral to his character's profile. But damn it all, somebody had bring it up. "You're in this wonderful position now where...you're getting lots of roles that have nothing to do with your height, and you're getting some roles that do, and you're getting all kinds of things...When did you get the first breakthrough, where you started to get roles unrelated to your size?"

"What do you mean, my size?" Dinklage replied, wearing a deadly serious face. "The size of...oh, oh."

To the actor's credit, he didn't smile or allow himself to be condescended to, even in a benign setting. He kept his cool, and proceeded to politely and subtlely jab at the questioner with his words.

"If you surround yourself with intelligent people" -- emphasis is mine -- "you're not constantly reminded about your size," he said, obviously knowing the room to which he was playing. "People of my persuasion are doctors and lawyers, and --" he adopted a theatrically creepy tone -- "we're all over the world! Now there's an alien invasion show of a different nature."

"So," Dinklage concluded, "here's just a character who happens to be a dwarf like myself, and...you're not constantly being reminded, nor should you be, because there I am. I am that size, and it's addressed just being there."

Good for him.

Five and a half primetime nibbles ...

-- Last night, CBS threw a lovely Stars Party at The Hammer Museum, where many of us were yanked into corners by the cast members of "CSI: NY." It was kind of like walking through New York City's Meatpacking District at night. Series creator Anthony Zuiker even planted a kiss on my cheek.

That shows you how desperate they are for you to know that next season, the New York office relocates to a high rise, and Sheldon Hawkes (Hill Harper) is being yanked out of the basement and into the field. Yeah. I could hardly contain my myself either.

-- Though attached to the CBS comedy "Out of Practice," yesterday afternoon Stockard Channing told critics she was still committed to three more episodes of "The West Wing." She also predicted President Bartlet would be out of the White House by Christmas.

-- While we're on the subject, this morning the producers of "Two and a Half Men" revealed their intention to woo Martin Sheen for an appearance next season. The regal Holland Taylor, who plays Charlie and Alan Harper's delightful witch of a mother, weighed in enthusiastically. "All I can say is, Martin Sheen had better come on, and he'd better come on to me."

-- On a side note, this came after CBS tried to kill us with Charlie Harper's version of the breakfast of champions, which included virgin Bloody Marys, doughnuts and cold pizza. There's your "half."

-- And now, a "Children of the '80s" treat. Jon Cryer is recording the commentary portion of the 20th anniversary re-release of "Pretty in Pink" on DVD. "Which Molly (Ringwald) crapped out on!" he added. He knows of no plans along the lines of the celebratory hoopla made over "The Breakfast Club" at the MTV Movie Awards.

"Maybe I'll have a little party with cupcakes," he mused.

Then someone asked Angus T. Jones if he had ever seen any of his co-stars' films. In fact, he had.

Jones mentioned Sheen's "Men at Work." "A classic," Sheen deadpanned in response.

He also took in Conchata Ferrell's "Mr. Deeds." "Another classic!" she laughed.

And "Pretty in Pink?" Nope. Then Cryer turned to the kid.

"'Hiding Out'?" he suggested. "No?" No.

Oh, Ducky. Will you ever win?

Two reasons to hope "Mother" makes it

This is one of those shows that could go either way.

What CBS's "How I Met Your Mother" has going for it: A romantic plot, an adorable cast and a twist at the end of the pilot.

What gets annoying fast: A framing device that has Bob Saget narrating off-screen as a father telling his kids in the year 2030 about how he met their mom. Yep, the entire series is one long flashback. About one potentially boring story.

Hannigan

What could tip the balance in "Mother's" favor ever so slightly: The presence of Alyson Hannigan ("Buffy's" Willow Rosenberg) and Neil Patrick Harris ("Doogie Howser"). Harris is Barney, the series' likable jerk and good friend of Ben, the main character. Hannigan plays Lily, the longtime love of Ben's best friend.

And, hey, it's Willow! And "One time? In band camp?" girl from the "American Pie" movies. How can you not love her? She's working on another yet-to-be titled movie right now, by the way. It's a parody of romantic comedies due out in January.

Speaking of movies, both of their roles in "How I Met Your Mother" seem to have been inspired by their past work in movies, not iconic television parts.

For example, in one scene, Lily makes a comment about liking to be spanked. Hannigan knows what you're thinking: "'What's my name? Say my name, b-tch!"

"I don't know why this keeps following me! I hope (the sitcom) doesn't play too heavily on that, because I don't want people to be like, 'Well, that's just the 'American Pie' movie," she said.

"But it was fun. I love that kind of scene."