"Welcome to your first de-sashing ceremony."

Oh, how I wish I were quoting a critic speaking to Dawn Ostroff, The CW's entertainment president. We should dream of being that clever, but no -- this was taken from a clip of "Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants," The CW's reality competition for bangable moms and their hardbody spawn.

Being tough on The CW is so easy if you only look at its reality slate. When we're completely honest with ourselves, however, we have to admit that the network is heading into an interesting fall. Out of four new scripted programs, two of them are great, one might be a hit, and the other … well, nobody bats a thousand these days.

Then you look at the rest, and you'll realize why any self-respecting woman would ask Ostroff to hang up her boa or surrender her female empowerment credentials. We're getting "Crowned" and "Gossip Girl," where rich teenagers drink, party, backstab and cheat on each other. Stand by for another edition of "Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll."

No inheritor to Rory Gilmore's mantle is in sight, no Veronica Mars, no clever young women with dreams of becoming the next Christiane Amanpour or Clarice Starling.

Farewell to all that; hello, "Farmer Wants a Wife."

Ta-ta to high ideals for what a girl wants. In fact, now a great deal of The CW is all about the ta-tas portion of the Girlie Show although, to Ashton Kutcher's credit, the network is taking a Huge Leap of Faith with "Beauty and the Geek," and adding a hot guy among the geeks -- and one nerd girl (who looks quite a bit like the "Veronica Mars" character Mac) among the birds. That's brave.

"I think that these shows for the most part have a sense of humor about them," Ostroff explained, before really slinging the bull with this one: "I think that they're aspirational in many ways to what our young audiences is looking for."

A competition that challenges women to sing while humping the air in lingerie is aspirational? Quoi? (I'd call it burlesque, but I don't want to insult the many, many fine burlesque performers out there.)

Ostroff went on to say, "A lot of shows first and foremost are about relationships … between young women who are living together and different things that are going on in their lives that our viewers find very relatable."

I also believe there are several works in the adult film oeuvre that can make that claim as well, but I digress. For those who are wondering how many new Dolls the Movable Bordello can sustain, a revelation: Asia Nitollano has decided to go her own way and pursue a solo career, Ostroff told us.

"Well wasn't that pointless then?" a critic asked. Hey now, don't hate. Everybody gots ta have a dream.

Other news:

-- The CW also extended its deal with Tyra Banks, so we'll be seeing "America's Next Top Model" through the 2009-2010 season. (Fashion showdown destination in 2010: "Tyra Mail! 'Pack your bags -- you're headed to …' Ohmigod! We're going to the Arctic Circle!")

-- Lastly, the already wonderful "Reaper" has improved with the addition of Missy Peregrym ("Heroes") as the love interest. "Gilmore Girls'" Scott Patterson replaced the oh-so-perfectly cast Patrick Breen as the dad. Breen was clearly the right guy for the role … but thanks to a holding deal with Warner Bros., we get Luke back, which is all wrong. Eh, never mind. And D.W. Moffett and Stephanie Niznik are now the parents on "Life is Wild," a show that has the astounding distinction of being a show set in South Africa with one black person in the main cast.

The producer quickly explained he intended to throw in a few more later, but we doubt he'll get the chance. This smells like this year's Sunday Sacrificial Lamb.

Here's the premiere schedule, taken from a CW press release:

Tuesday, September 18 "BEAUTY AND THE GEEK"

8:00-10:00 p.m. Special Two-Hour Premiere

Wednesday, September 19 "AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL"

8:00-10:00 p.m. Special Two-Hour Premiere

Friday, September 21 "FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN"

8:00-10:00 p.m.

Sunday, September 23

7:00-7:30 p.m. "CW NOW"

7:30-8:00 p.m. "ONLINE NATION"

Tuesday, September 25

9:00-10:00 p.m. "REAPER"

Wednesday, September 26

9:00-10:00 p.m. "GOSSIP GIRL"

Thursday, September 27

8:00-9:00 p.m. "SMALLVILLE"

Monday, October 1

8:00-8:30 p.m. "EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS"

8:30-9:00 p.m. "ALIENS IN AMERICA"

9:00-9:30 p.m. "GIRLFRIENDS"

9:30-10:00 p.m. "THE GAME"

Thursday, October 4

9:00-10:00 p.m. "SUPERNATURAL"

Sunday, October 7

8:00-9:00 p.m. "LIFE IS WILD"