Hitting the wall

"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead." -- from "Barfly."

One goes through four psychological stages as Press Tour progresses.

The first is acceptance. It hits within a few hours following arrival, as we resignedly tell ourselves that we have to do this for 18 days straight. Given the fact that we're trapped in freezing ballrooms all day listening to a bunch of people who believe they have profound wisdom to share, embracing this stage is no easy task.

A week passes, bringing on the tortured misery portion of the event. Some approach this phase like a person in denial about his marriage being in the can -- they stuff down the stifling hopelessness with smiles and laughter, burying themselves in work.

Earlier this week came naked irritation. That would be an escalation of subtle, detectable hostility toward the people who make television, good and awful. Publicists stop asking us what we think of their shows because they know we're going take loads of evil delight in answering the question. We make jokes about seppuku. We may even throw cutlery at one another. You know, innocent fun.

And by the last two days -- as in, yesterday and today -- most of us are one useless panel away from mounting a live performance of "Destroy All Monsters" in the hotel lobby.

Fox is all too familiar with this stage because it tends to be the network that sends us over the edge. Ah, but the executives also know the secret to staving off any riots that might brew while discussing shows such as "Stacked" and "Head Cases."

It's simple really. Dull our already deadened senses with candy and booze.

They are evil, evil genuises at Fox.

In addition to the bag of M&Ms, chocolate covered pretzels and nuts set at each place yesterday morning, Fox's home video, licensing and merchandising folks threw a "Family Guy" themed lunch with a martini bar in the back of the room.

A martini bar. At noon.

As if that wasn't sufficient, the minute the last session of the day ended, BAM! Another bar materialized by the conference room exit. So determined was Fox to ply us with liquor that I began to fear the mere parting of my lips would be a signal for a publicist to yank my hair back as another jammed a bottle of tequila down my gullet, yelling "AY-YI-YI-YI-YI! Viva 'Prison Break!'"

OK, I'm exagerrating a little. A little. Nevertheless, the message was clear: Fox feels they have a competitive slate of shows. Of course they do. Peter Liguori spoke of making choices for the schedule based on a world in which "American Idol" did not exist, where every series thrives with or without a whopping lead-in. Yes, he has a dream today.

And if he has to addle our brains to win us over, so be it.

For the record, boss, I swear upon Pamela Anderson's cleavage that I didn't fall for any of it. But I swiped a printout of the drink menu from the "Family Guy" lunch, figuring that the least I could do was share a few cocktail recipes. You'll have to work out the proportions on your own. Cheers, and good luck.

Victory is Mine!
Raspberries, vodka, fresh lime juice, simple syrup. Garnished with raspberries speared on a cocktail skewer.

Evil Monkey
Vodka, white cranberry juice, fresh lime juice, sugar water.

Brian's Dirty Martini
Vodka, dry vermouth, olive brine.

The Giggety Giggety Goo
Vodka and blue caracao with a splash of lemon juice. Garnish with a lemon twist.

World Domination
Vodka and Grand Marnier topped with champagne. Garnished with a twist of orange.

Friggin' Sweet Martini
Vodka, sugar, fresh mint leaves, fresh lime juice. Top with a splash of champagne, garnish with a lime.