Bringing out the "Twins"

Perverse as this sounds, I was looking forward to the "Twins" panel. Not because it's spectacular television -- ooh, not the case.

The cast of "Twins": (from left) Melanie Griffith, Mark Linn Baker, Molly Stanton and Sara Gilbert

I'll save my rancor for the review, but I have to say this: The title is a double entendre, referring to fraternal twin girls (Sara Gilbert and Molly Stanton) who work for their parents' lingerie business, and the assets of the beautiful but stupid twin, who also is the company spokesmodel. Lame.

Yet I was fairly sure its executive producers, "Will & Grace's" Max Mutchnick and David Kohan, would be a hoot. And Stanton used to play Zombie Charity, Slutty Charity, Evil Charity, Table Dancing Charity, and Original Flavor Charity on the daytime soap "Passions." She had stories.

"I was possessed for a really long time," Stanton said. "That was while I was frozen in an ice block. Then there was the time when I was in hell, which was in the closet, which was cool."

"I've been there too," Mutchnick interjected, playing the Will to Stanton's Grace. "I've been in that same hell."

Truly the wittier members of the panel made it worth attending all on their own. But every sundae needs a cherry, and in this session, it came in the form of Melanie Griffith's verbal wonderstuff.

A little set up, if you will. Before "Twins" started, I introduced myself to a new critic by saying, "I'm the Melanie in the room that has more than half a brain."

I felt awful and catty the moment I uttered that, so I followed it up with an apology. "I'll give Ms. Griffith the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure she's a very intelligent woman."

Mere moments later, I found out that either Griffith is a genius worthy of an Oscar, or my first remark was dead on the money.

In "Twins," Griffith plays the character she has always played. That is, she's a vacant bimbo with terrific .. twins. Oh, but Mrs. Antonio Banderas stressed that she didn't want to be typecast.

"Hopefully I'll be able to show other sides besides just being blonde and dumb," Griffith said.

"There are a lot of blonde people in America," she added, apropos of nothing.

Oh dear.

Later, someone tried to bring her back to her strengths, referencing Griffith's portrayal of Roxy Hart in "Chicago." Would she do other musicals?

"Yeah, I would love to. I don't know if I'd do another singing one, but I wouldn't mind dancing some more."

To take us home, Griffith was asked whether or not her husband would be appearing in the series.

"What am I supposed to say?" she whispered to Mutchnick, who hissed something in her ear. "I'm sorry. I'm new at this. Yes, but it's a secret. Yes, really, honestly, he is. But don't tell anybody.

"Please."