Posted by quantumcat at 1/15/08 12:49 p.m.

You already have most of them. Simply change the gender on the catergories you already mentioned. There are likely a couple of other types for both males and females.

Little Miss/Mr. Can't Be Wrong (my apologies to the Spin Doctors)

Miss/Mr. Always #1

Miss/Mr. Share My Relationship Past/Pain

Miss/Mr. "You'll Do For Now" (the "upgrader")

Miss/Mr. "You'll Be A Nice Trophy"

Just be yourself. If the chemistry is there, then great. If not, then at least you weren't trying to be something you're not.

That's always been my mantra and others even suggest this to me. However, they almost always follow it up with, "but before you go out, let's get you some new clothes, a membership to hairclub for men, a new haircut, new "opening lines", dance lessons, etc., etc." Apparently I'm supposed to be myself as long as I change everything regarding outward appearances. Isn't what I wear and how I interact part of who I am? If I'm told that I've got to wear this or that when it doesn't feel like me, isn't that somewhat being something I'm not? If I'm always dressed up for dates and then after developing a relationship with someone I begin to revert back to my comfort zone (jeans & t-shirts), would she think that I was putting up a front (being something I'm not) while dating?

I think most everyone, if looking at themselves objectively, would find at least one of the categories mentioned somewhat applicable. For example I'm somewhat of the desperate, insecure, bitter, lost drama queen (and this likely explains most of my social problems).

Posted by johnny206 at 1/15/08 1:43 p.m.

This is scary. I've dated every single girl on the list. In fact, I've never seen a girl that doesn't belong to the list. Which makes me a "bitter guy", kinda jaded and cynical. I just know that the next girl I'm gonna meet is going to be one of them. I think it's mostly my fault meeting the wrong kinda woman.

But after reading what I just wrote, my admission to being a "bitter guy", I need to work on that personal issue to be a better man. But dammit, where do you meet a girl not on the list? Or maybe that girl is just a diamond in the rough, 1 in a million that only the lucky few will ever get to meet her. Ack, I'm being bitter again!!!!

Posted by unregistered user at 1/15/08 1:44 p.m.

The ulimate alpha male guy:

He always has to be the big dick in the room. He gets his way. He always has to have the attention of ladies, even if it means getting into a fight. He will fight anyone for any reason to prove how manly he is. And he keeps doing this because girls fall for it.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/15/08 1:50 p.m.

I was the bitter girl for the longest time! I might have to pick up that book. What about the Slut Girl? Or is it ok for a girl to be a Slut?

Posted by But-I-Won't-Do-That at 1/15/08 1:50 p.m.

I think there is definitely "THAT" Guys. These are the ones I'd like to add:

Mr. Eternal Bachelor: I won't be locked up by nobody! I wanna eat, sleep, drink, hang-out whenever I want without answering to anybody! Why should I have to ask if its okay to do something, I'm a MAN! - The problem with this guy is that he manifests himself in several forms. Maybe he's got a lot going for him and he likes to play. Maybe he is secretly insecure and is the eternal bachelor because he can't get past himself to pursue a relationship.

Mr. Neutered/Spineless: This is the guy who disappears from his previous life once he has a girlfriend. Once the girlfriend dumps him, he comes crawling back for support. After you try to remember what your friend's name is because you haven't seen him so long, you step up to the plate and help him out. He is also the guy who will change everything about himself to impress a girl. In this, he has no identity.

As far as being yourself, I agree that cultivating opening lines is bad form. It seems like having a compulsory set of lines just means that every girl is the same, nothing special. I would hate to feel like I was just "another girl", if I was a girl. If you like a girl, come up with something.

I don't consider some things as "changing". I think of it as putting forth effort. I am the college hoody and jeans guy in the cold months and white t-shirt and cargo shorts with flip flop guy in the warm months. I drive my pickup truck and listen to my country music.

I don't go on a first date dressed that way or blaring "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy", but I don't consider that as not being myself. I normally get a fresh haircut two days prior to a big first date and either have a current shirt cleaned and ironed or buy a new shirt. I think we aren't one-dimensional. I still consider a nice pair of slacks/designer jeans and a pressed button-down as me, just a different side of me. A side that says, "I care". I don't go to job interviews with my white t-shirt, board shorts and flip flops. On the same token, I don't go on my first date wearing those either. I find that with this approach, the hoody and board shorts come out later and she thinks its cute. Its a double whammy baby! If she doesn't like it, she can kick rocks.

With that, don't ever change your style and compromise yourself. Don't be THAT GUY!

Posted by quantumcat at 1/15/08 3:40 p.m.

I won't be locked up by nobody!....Maybe he is secretly insecure and is the eternal bachelor because he can't get past himself to pursue a relationship.

You nailed me. I have to add "Eternal/Bachelor Guy" to my descriptors.

I can understand clothes that show a different side of you, but what if that isn't a side of you (I feel uncomfortable in almost any shirt that has a collar and buttons). I've never had a formal job interview either. My last job interview was 1987 and I was wearing Levi 501's and a t-shirt (I'm still working at the company, but I've climbed the ladder a bit since then).

Maybe I'm just a "I don't care" guy.

With that, don't ever change your style and compromise yourself. Don't be THAT GUY!

If I don't change my style or compromise myself then I think I am THAT GUY!

Posted by Melissa E at 1/15/08 3:57 p.m.

Yeah, I was definitely sliding toward "bitter girl" territory... hence the man break 5 months ago. Now I'm dating someone really nice. But I still feel the need to mention to him that I'm such an independent self-thinker. Not because of anything he does...guess I still have some baggage! It's going away though :)

Posted by Exposed at 1/15/08 11:48 p.m.

I'm not a big fan of this entire categorizing game. How about don't be THAT GUY that labels a girl one of these, because you'll always be looking for which flaw she posesses and miss out on anything great she might have to overshadow these characteristics.

And, although I appreciate the sentiment of "Just be yourself", it doesn't always work. What if yourself IS one of these categories (like quantumcat brought up). I'm all for accepting who you are, but accepting other people's reactions to who you are goes right along with it. If the image you present to the world and the type of person you're attracted to don't match, one of the two has to change. It's up to each person to decide which is more important.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/16/08 5:01 a.m.

I'm with Exposed -
What if you *are* that girl / guy? I believe that there are people who have been so superficial for so long, that they actually are that way, so "being yourself" is actually being "yourself".

However, I feel that stable people (is that possible?)change often, so being "yourself" can be different from week to week. You're still the same "core" person, but just because you have a new dress shirt, doesn't mean that you're a different person than you were with a T-Shirt on. I'm talking about changing opinions, interests and likes / dislikes.

Whoo - maybe I'm talking in circles and not making any sense. It made sense while I was writing it, but maybe I'm changing as we speak! *grin*

JadedJ

Posted by unregistered user at 1/16/08 5:21 a.m.

Any way you slice it, dating is hard. Getting someone to go on the date in the first place is the hardest, in my opinion. The real me never changes. Like the previous entry, I don't believe that a nice shirt changes me into a person that I'm not. It just shows that I'm willing to put forth a little effort.

I think that Exposed has some valid points. It could be that the kind of person you're physically attracted to isn't typically attracted to people of your appearance. That is why shows like "Beauty and the Geek" exist. To me, attraction is a lot like fishing. If you're not catching fish, you'll either be content with not catching fish, or you'll change your bait. Maybe something nice and flashy to disguise those hooks!

Posted by quantumcat at 1/17/08 11:55 a.m.

All good points, but a couple points to try and clarify what I meant.

I have to accept who I am and what types of things that I'm willing (or not) to change. I don't have to accept other peoples reactions. I have to live with the reactions, but if I believe that they are coming from a point-of-view which is myopic, classist and demeaning I don't have to believe that they are correct in their opinion. When a minority experiences racism/classism, he/she has to understand that it exists in the world, but they don't have to accept it. Maybe I'm a little fuzzy on the use of the word "accept".

Wearing a dress shirt doesn't change who I am, but it does make me feel like I'm trying to be/appear to be something that I don't feel is me. I dress appropriate when the time calls for it, but the image isn't who I am. Even then, I'm still choosing my mode of dress because society tells me that the event requires a certain type of appearance (it's not because I want to wear a suit). Why are you "putting forth the effort" (rhetorical question)? Are you trying to impress someone? Is it because you've always been told that a dress shirt is required? Is it because you want to fit in with the crowd?

I believe that shows like "Beauty and the Geek" exist for many reasons. Some like to see the status quo challenged ("Maybe if the geek can win here, I can win too"). Some like to see the status quo reinforced ("I knew she wouldn't go for that guy"). Some like to watch to see things that reinforce their own opinions ("See, I told you"). Some just like to watch the drama of "real" feelings on display as long as it's not their feelings on display. Why does a pratfall typically work in comedy? It's because we're happy that it's not us that took a tumble or a kick to the groin. Or maybe we are really happy about the kind of character that it happened to.

It could be that the kind of person you're physically attracted to isn't typically attracted to people of your appearance.

Hence my whining. If this wasn't true and those that I'm attracted to were attracted to me, I wouldn't be ranting. Sometimes I just don't want to accept reality, but I do wake up every morning (like it or not). If there is any saving grace in the quote above it would be the use of the word "typically".

If you're not catching fish, you'll either be content with not catching fish, or you'll change your bait. Maybe something nice and flashy to disguise those hooks!

So, your suggestion is to disquise my "hooks"? I'm guessing the fish think that's awfully honest of you. You forget to mention that you could try other fish ("settling"?) or bag the idea of fishing and purchase some copper river salmon at the supermarket. :)

I'm hijacking the thread again, but these issues (parsing compromise vs. integrity; "settle for less" vs. continual knockdowns; "who I am" vs. "who others want me to be) weigh on me and this has become an outlet for me. My apologies to the innocent bystanders.

"Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?"

Posted by Frantic Foodie at 1/17/08 4:03 p.m.

you know the worst, secret eater girl

I 'll have a salad.... Just something small
(then the girl goes home and binges on cookies)
So next time you go on a date girls, order food for heaven's sake.
Anyway I get angry with my friends who don't eat on dates, so pathetic

Posted by unregistered user at 1/18/08 8:07 a.m.

I may be the "Drama Queen Girl".It's not easy to be ourselves. I post "just be yourself" in my account at largeplace.com, an online dating site for bbw singles. It seems to no help for me.

Posted by 20Something at 1/18/08 1:47 p.m.

I'll repost the opinion I have about "be yourself" that I just posted in the thread above this one:

"I think a lot of you guys have "be yourself" mixed up with "wear the clothes you're most comfortable in." I don't think that just because you wear a suit instead of your usual hammer pants and crusty T-shirt, that it makes you a different person. By "be yourself" we're talking about being the same person and personality you always are, which should be the same in a suit or a crusty T-shirt. Laugh outloud till milk comes through your nose if that's who you are, admit you like to watch The X-Files while planning your next Magic event, (LOL! LOL!), tell them that you're terrible at doing the dishes and you often leave dirty clothes on the floor... if they can't take the heat, they can get out of the kitchen!"

That being said. I firmly believe in just doing what makes you most comfortable and able to put your best foot forward. If by wearing a suit or tie makes you feel like you're trying to impress someone and fake, then that's not affective! I feel best in heels and dressed up, but that approach often turns guys off cause then you come across as being high maintenance or a girl who can't get down and dirty. Bottom line, you're not going to please everyone so just please yourself!

And as for the Secret Eater Girl--that's just pathetic. This is 1965. It's healthy, normal and fantastic to share a hearty meal with a guy! Ever single guy I've ever known has wanted this in a girl. I'm not shy about the fact that I like to eat! But, I also still stay healthy, exercise and maintain a healthy figure, even if it's not scrawny.

Uh... not sure if unreg user #87236 is really posting an opinion, or trying to advertise for largeplace.com. Either way, I don't really think largeplace.com is a fit for me. Thanks anyway!

Posted by But-I-Won't-Do-That at 1/19/08 1:29 p.m.

Fo Shizzle 20Something. Like I've said before in my unregistered posts, I believe that we don't have to compromise our true selves by dressing for an occassion.

As far as my fish hook analogy, that's the way I see it. You're trying to bag yourself a keeper. You can't use the same old worm.

By the way quantumcat, once you get a nice one on your line, you'll never want to buy another copper river salmon again. Since we are reading into analogies, does that mean you condone prostitution because you "buy" the fish? Just Kidding. You're a cool cat. And never settle for lesser "fish" because it'll never taste as good. But there are plenty of "fish" of the same species that you can pursue. You have to have a short-term memory when it comes to rejection. Learn from what went wrong, but don't brow-beat yourself. You're a catch too.

I'm a total white t-shirt, jeans and work boots type of guy when I'm being "me". I like a good pair of flip flops, cargo shorts and my dorky Top Gun aviators. Just not when I'm going out on a first date with a girl.

When I'm going out on date, I dress for the occassion. I don't go out with my "This is What Cool Looks Like" t-shirt on a first date. If I were going out to get a beer with the boys, sure. You just have to find ways to make an effort and stay true to your style. Trust me, if she's worth it and is into you, she'll want to see the real "you" soon enough. Then the Lord of The Rings posters and Yoda t-shirts can resurface.

Posted by quantumcat at 1/19/08 10:07 p.m.

Prostitution is not something I could ever bring myself to do. Not that I don't have a compulsion for a simple transaction between consenting adults - I get too emotionally attached and I also would like likely fret over every the moral implications. I would probably feel very fugly because I was contributing to something that minimalizes and demoralizes the woman.

I was only trying to make sure that I covered as many potential resolutions to the situation at hand (so to speak). I'm more the type that has to realize that the bait that I have will likely only be appealing to about 1 in 1,000 fish. And of those .1 percent, I probably wouldn't find any spark with but 10 percent of those.

It's a good thing I've got warm clothes and a large cooler for this extended (if endless) fishing trip. :)