Be sure to read "Protection Orders Not Enough to Save 3 Women" by Hector Castro and Vanessa Ho in the Seattle pi. Three women "sought help from police or courts. But within a space of two weeks, each was slain in King County, allegedly by their partners."

Although you might not know these women, you've stood next to them– or similar abused women checking out your groceries, watching a school activity, or sitting in the park. Chances are you have a friend or relative you either know or suspect is abused. A friend of one of the victims in the article "said he didn't quite know how to help." If you care about the person, it's time to figure that one out now.

If you're abused and staying for the children– Debbie Bonilla's children witness her death. "Their 5-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter were home at the time of the April 18 attack. Her son would find her dying in the backyard." Would you want your children to witness your death?

Do not become another statistic.

Lyn Harris, DMS

Child abuse and domestic violence are tangled together. On my other blog
Wednesday's Woman, we wandered into domestic violence before I packed up my cats and computer in Tucson and headed back to the Cascade Mountains. It's time to move on in Lyn's Circle, so we'll be moving into domestic violence and child abuse for a while.

Women sometimes hang in there in an unhappy relationship for the kids. If their partner's emotionally abusive, they try to keep him calmed down so he's ranting and acting like a jackass when the children aren't around. If he's physically abusive and sneaky, he'll leave marks where they're not so obvious– broken ribs or a head held under water. There's no limit to the imagination of an abusive man.

Joe Torre, former professional baseball player and manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers grew up with a physically abusive family. "I did not get physically abused myself. I grew up in fear because my mom did. I was shy and he would make fun of me. Whenever I saw my dad's car in the driveway, I didn't want to go home."

If you're hanging in there for the kids you might rethink your game plan before your kids end up with more emotional abuse. Before you're dead.

Lyn Harris, DMS

A widow, suddenly alone, can be overwhelmed by fear– fear of loneliness, fear of financial problems, fear of getting hurt again. In Your Life Your Way, The Essential Guide for Women, Lynn Hull and Julie Molner talk of courage– standing up to fear. They remind us it's normal to feel fear, and help us sort out the feelings feeding these new fears. Then, they guide us with questions and exercises so we learn to trust in our natural resilience to keep us afloat.

Lynn Hull lived in the UK most of her life and now resides in the South of France. Julie Molner lives in Michigan. When they approached fifty, each started an intense phase of personal development which led them to career changes as well as improvements in their personal lives. Although separated by an ocean, Lynn and Julie wanted to see "mature women living a rich life and having a positive impact on their families, communities, and the world."

If you're widow hurt, scared, and vulnerable and haunted by a vague feeling that it's time for a change in your life, leave a comment for Lynn or Julie. That one small step might be the first step in living Your Life Your Way.

Your Life Your Way is available on Amazon.com. Their web site The Essential Guide for Women offers more information about Lynn and Julie, their book, and the Co-Active Leadership Program.

Lyn Harris, DMS

Your Life Your Way, The Essential Guide for Women by Lynn Hull and Julie Molner is for women approaching fifty and beyond who are ready for a change in their life. Lynn and Julie want to help you "learn who you really are, and live your life with more zest." Professional Co-Active Coaches, they lead you slowly, teaching you to tap into your energies and "take a deeper look at who you are."

They share anecdotes about themselves and other women who are "extraordinary in their ordinariness." Women who have taken full responsibility for their lives to experience more joy and fulfillment." They offer exercises and questions and suggest you get a journal to record your answers and thoughts as you work your way through the book. Your Life Your Way does not have to be read straight through. If you're really interested in changing some part of your life, find the section of the book that matches the part of your life that needs working on now. Then, spend time on the exercises reflecting how yo got where you are now and how you can get where you want to go.

One chapter in The Time of Your Life- Divorce or Death of a Spouse–Phoenix Rising, they write:
"Be compassionate with yourself, give yourself space to feel your emotions, do your grieving, express your anger, your sadness...Because of the high level of stress you may be experiencing, and possibly depression, asking for help may need to extend beyond family and friends...Take the support of others and use it to lift you up, not keep you down and incapable of independence."

If you're a widow still struggling with this new single life, or if you're ready for a change in your life and would like to "learn who you really are," Your Life Your Way can help you find the path. If you have a question for Lynn or Julie, leave a comment.

Your Life Your Way is available on Amazon.com.

Lyn Harris, DMS

Georgean Lucas, a widow who lost her husband several years ago sent a poem "Newly Widowed" for Lyn's Circle. She wrote, "For years after Robert's death when that tidal wave of sorrow threatened me in public I'd think, not now, Wednesday @ 10:00am is the time for grief. The idea of scheduling grief was silly enough to pull me out of the mood and make me smile. Heaven forbid that one would show emotion in public and embarrass one's friends."

Here's Georgean's poem:

Newly Widowed

I put my sorrow in a silver box
and tie it with a silver string.

I place it on a shelf
behind my husband's picture.

Wednesday mornings I take my box
and slowly untie the silver string.

Carefully, cautiously I lift the lid.
Grief leaps out and overwhelms me
stinging my eye lids, clutching at my heart.

Mourning enfolds me.
I rock, sob and keen a long dirge.

My song finished I sigh and pack
the hurts,
tears, regrets,
the mourning and the sadness
back in the box till next week.

At each opening a tear or two
a small sorrow, a regret escapes.

Some Wednesday when I untie my box
will it only hold sweet dusty memories?

Beverly Isenberg is not a war widow. Beverly is married to a retired military officer. She responded to Barry Noreen's "Taps Program Helps Military Families Cope with Loss." Beverly wrote:

My feeling is that the military establishment treats the wives and mothers of the troops almost the same way as they were treated in the days Before Christ. In Ceasar's day they were called camp followers, treated accordingly, and not much has changed since then.

Tolerated, yes. Accommodated? Some. But their genuine contribution to the all-over well being of military men is rarely acknowledged by the Pentagon.

Case in point: A recent newspaper article related the story of a wife whose husband had been killed in Iraq. She was asked to immediately vacate the government housing she
occupied because her "sponsor" was no longer alive. So cruel, so heartless. It was deja vu. The same thing happened 55 years ago to women I knew whose husbands were dying in the Korean conflict.

I choke up as I think of the 3,000 and more men who have died in Iraq and whose wives and mothers have mourned their death. These women need to know they are appreciated.

An infantryman I know wrote a book about the war in Korea. Instead of dedicating it to the generals or presidents, or persons of great importance, he dedicated the book to the people he said were the true heroes of the war. Here is that dedication. I have changed a few words and added a few of my own, but the sentiment is the same.

"This book was written about heroes because every man who has been in combat or who supported the warriors in combat is a hero.

"But there are others: the wives, mothers, sisters and sweethearts of the men who serve so bravely. Left alone at home they go about their daily routines, cook meals, find schools for their children, and care for and comfort their families. Often forced to move from their homes on a military base they locate new dwellings, move furniture, hang curtains and maintain an existence that is anything but normal. They do these things with little complaining and not much sympathy or understanding from their civilian counterparts.

"Reading the newspapers each day, hoping to find a clue to the whereabouts of their men, dreading the ring of the telephone that could bring bad news into her home, fearing the worst and praying for the best, these ladies stand tall. I salute all the women who care about and care for the men fighting freedom's cause."

If you have a comment for Beverly, please leave it.

Lyn Harris, DMS

_____________________________________________________________

Barry Noreen recently wrote in The Colorado Springs Gazette about Melissa Givens and Bridgette Van Dusen, two young war widows. He wrote of their struggle to cope and the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors. Melissa "delivered a baby boy 28 days after she buried her husband." Bridgette "recalled calling out for pizza. When the doorbell rang, it was the casualty notification team, and her husband wasn't coming home."

TAPS is a program to help family members of those killed on duty. Read "Taps Program Helps Military Families Cope with Loss" if you are interested in more information.

Lyn Harris, DMS

Elaine Williams, a young widow and author of A Journey Well Taken, Life After Loss shares her thoughts on loneliness:

Dancing With the Demon of Loneliness
By Elaine Williams ©2008

When I lost my husband to cancer in 2004, my life as I knew it did a 360 degree turn. Nothing was the same and yet only one thing had changed. I had lost someone near to my heart, a part of my life for twenty plus years, the father of my children, a best friend and confidante. He had been an integral part of each of our lives.

I thought I was okay, but deep inside I knew I fooled myself and I really wasn't okay. The demon of loneliness entered my life slowly and then suddenly he seemed to be there on every occasion. I decided to write about this demon of loneliness so I could exorcise him from my life.

"I've danced with him many times, a most reluctant partner, my steps stumbling and my mind preoccupied. He came in persuasive and smooth, barely causing a ripple with his subtle entrance. Other times he visited boldly, making his presence well known."

For me, dancing with the demon of loneliness filled a part of my life that I didn't know existed. He found me at my most vulnerable moments. How could I deny entrance to someone who walks in announced but so softly that you're taken unaware? He was never invited, but I passively allowed him to take me dancing whenever he beckoned, until one day I turned away.

And gradually, I did turn away. I no longer allowed this demon to suck the life and joy from me. With new strength, I allowed the grief in me to become a shadow of itself. The demon's pervasive grip weakened. I no longer entertained a dance partner I had never enjoyed. I learned to live again, not as I had before, but in a new joyful way.

Leave a comment or question for Elaine.

She can also be reached at A Journey Well Taken. Elaine's book A Journey Well Taken will be out in June.

Lyn Harris, DMS

Elaine Williams, a young widow and author of A Journey Well Taken, Life After Loss continues sharing her thoughts on dating again:

Dating Again…On the Far Side of Forty
Elaine Williams ©2008

- - -

One dating experience I had was a man whose company I really enjoyed. He was a good father, an excellent businessman, but when we were together, he never showed interest in my day, activities or what was happening in my life. I hoped he would change. We had been "dating" about three weeks when I finally asked myself why was I hanging around with someone who made me feel so unfulfilled and contributed nothing to my life? I realized that even though he was a good man, he was not good for me. It was still incredibly difficult to make the break but I knew I deserved more.

My dating helped me learn additional life skills I myself lacked. I learned that dating should begin as friends, and I shouldn't drop everything because a guy calls. My most important skill learned is letting someone show me they're truly interested in me before jumping into intimacy.

These simple pieces of experience are often learned by kids today in their teens and twenties. Somehow, I had missed these lessons some thirty years ago.

When I realized by being true to myself is my real power, I also decided that for now, I choose to be alone. I choose to be alone until the right person comes along who will enhance my life as much as I enhance his.

Elaine's book A Journey Well Taken: Life After Loss will be available in June. Elaine can be reached at A Journey Well Taken.
Leave a comment or question for Elaine.

Lyn Harris, DMS

Elaine Williams, a young widow and author of A Journey Well Taken, Life After Loss shares her thoughts on dating again:

Dating Again…On the Far Side of Forty
Elaine Williams ©2008

Due to life circumstances, the death of a spouse, I had been out of the dating game for some time and reentered the scene after a 27-year absence. I experienced what I like to call "culture shock". One definition is as follows: "A state of bewilderment and distress experienced when suddenly exposed to a new, strange, or foreign social and cultural environment."

That was me, a 48 year old widow with three children, experiencing true culture shock when I began dating. I thought it would be a relatively uncomplicated process to jump back in. (Yes, I laugh when I read this) You go out with someone who shares mutual interests, you go to dinner, the movies, sometimes you stay in and watch movies or…Stop. That wasn't what happened.

The above is what I considered the normal dating process, but I found there was nothing approaching normal in today's dating scene. Having been married 20 years, I naively believed in happily-ever-after when the two right people found each other. I knew what relationships were about and I also knew they could be hard work at times.

My experience with online dating is as follows: Online dating felt similar to a smorgasbord. If you don't like one dish you try, throw it in the trash and proceed to the next as quickly as possible. There's always something different and new on the table. There's nothing wrong with variety and trying new dishes, but at least admit if you don't like the current dish. Don't play with your food.

Dating at 48. In my admittedly limited experience, I discovered a variety of issues that came into play. My age group, as perhaps is true with other age groups, many of us have been wounded in minor and major ways by life and by society in general. Some of us carry the baggage from the wounding on our backs, others leave the baggage at the train station.

Based on my experience, some individuals have never learned basic relationship skills. Early on, I attracted only emotionally unavailable men. Men who were still in love or emotionally attached to other women. Men who preferred to remain single and just do surface dating. Whether intentionally or not, they played at dating with no real intent to take it further into any kind of emotional commitment; for whatever reason. Most of these men were good men in their own right and perhaps best kept as friends.

(To be continued)

Elaine's book A Journey Well Taken: Life After Loss will be available in June. Elaine can be reached at A Journey Well Taken.

Leave a comment or question for Elaine.

Lyn Harris, DMS