I finally finished Michael Beaumier's I Know You're Out There, which was both delightful and at times a little disappointing. Mostly delightful, though.

The thing that frustrated me was how he'd paint most personal ad patrons as both clueless and hopeless -- when I truly, deeply believe that people can learn to be less idiotic when it comes to how they date. (To Beaumier's credit, it's not his fault -- the newspaper's policy was very hands-off, so he probably would've been sacked if he'd made any attempt to educate the masses as to what they were doing so very wrong.)

Despite all that, it was nice to get a glimpse into the world of newspaper ads! But I have to say, I'm very glad the Internet came around. Not only is it easier and cheaper than it was back in the printed-ink days of yore, but there's a lot more dater accountability. If there are typos and massive mistakes in your ad or profile online, chances are that you and only you are to blame! (As opposed to one of Beaumier's clients, who wound up discovering his homosexual side when the paper mistakenly ran his ad seeking men instead of women.)

And aside from that, I'm the persnickety type who believes every oddly-hyphenated term tells a story, and that some online daters (*cough cough*) need to be freed from persnickety character limits. I dunno -- I've never tried old-fashioned personal ads, since my dating career started post-Internet. My dear boyfriend's father met his now-wife via a charming newspaper ad, though, and they're happy as pie. What about you, readers? Any old-school personals users wanna dish on the experience?

I've always been on the fence about specialist Web sites when it comes to dating. Sure, I've known people who met dates from networks like CatholicSingles.com or FitnessSingles.com, and I think there's something valid behind seeking out others who share your specific interests and preferences. But at the same time, you wind up vastly limiting the number of people you can connect with.

I've only ever tried out two specialty dating avenues before -- one for extra-tall singles, and one for folks who are grads of Ivy League (or similar) universities -- but I never wound up following through on either, so I'm sad to say that I have no real method of comparison!

The tall singles club was kind of odd -- I barely made the cutoff for women (the minimum height for ladies of their club is 5'10", and I barely squeaked in at 5'11"). Plus, they had a membership fee, and when I couldn't find out anything about the club before paying up, I wound up giving up instead. (I was notoriously cheap about these things back in my dating days, and I usually waited at least until I got my first in-network response to my profile before I paid any kind of membership fee.)

And the Ivy League thing (The Right Stuff) -- well, it struck me as horrendously pretentious and stuck-up, but also very funny on principle. So I looked into it, and it turned out they were having some kind of ladies-get-in-free promo. But the more I looked into it, the less I wanted to join -- not only did they make you dig up a mountain of paperwork to prove your worth, but they also got some very bad reviews on sites like Epinions.com. People complained that the male/female ratio was off, the pool was small, and the promo emails too copious. So again, I quit before I even started.

So I'm curious -- what do other online daters think? Have any of you ever had more or less success with a specialty dating website, compared with a regular dating site like Match.com? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

The online profile/ad photo is such a fine line to walk. On the one hand, you want to put forth your best possible face, so you can lure the best possible mate. But on the other hand, you want your photos to be realistic as well as flattering, so your date actually recognizes you in person.

I've been told by multiple dates that I always "look like my photos". This was good news to me -- I'm not a particularly photogenic person by nature, and this isn't just low camera-self-esteem talking. I somehow manage to contort myself into the most awkward, forced, unattractive expressions in 95% of all photos in which I'm posing, whereas the remaining 5% plus a handful of unaware candids leave me looking like my splendid self. (As an example, the head shot I selected for this column was one of about 200 attempts. Thank you, patient friends and lover.)

So trust me that I feel your pain if you hate the process of culling that perfect image. But know what? It's a REQUIREMENT. I've seen SO MANY profiles with crappy, ugly images, or really fakey touched-up professional ones, and both are a major turnoff. One should definitely put one's best face forward, but that face should be realistic, recent and reasonably average -- i.e. "clubbing face" is not the same as "work face" nor "hangover face". So how do you pick appropriately?

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I've been off the radar for quite some time now, having been out of town in Philadelphia for my college reunion. I'd forgotten how much more forward Philly is in terms of dating -- I got hit on more in one week there than in the past year in Seattle! But even though Philly dwellers may be more dating-forward, they're still prone to playing the online game a bit backwards. (Who isn't?)

When I mentioned that I have a small practice writing personal ads and consulting to improve online dating profiles, the overwhelming response was "Cool! .... If you know anyone in my area, let me know!" or "Wow! You'll have to fix me up."

Um, what? That's NOT HOW ONLINE DATING WORKS, people! You have to find it yourself, or at least try! You have to put yourself out there. You have to create a profile, or write an ad, or respond to ads, or click on profiles that grab you. Heck, nearly ever paid service still has some free mechanism like a "wink" for the frugal or skeptical types. So USE it!

So many love-seekers I talked to don't have an active profile and don't ever respond to ads on services like Craigslist. And they wonder why online dating isn't working for them! Philly or Seattle, America or Otherwise, the core of online dating involves advertising yourself online, not assuming that someone else will swoop in and hook you up.

There's certainly help for those who are flummoxed by even starting that process -- but that's why people like me exist, and why professional matchmaking services and resources like Match's new user guide. So seek out whatever assistance you might want or need, but don't go assuming that you can sit out there in the e-world and have suitors lining up at your virtual door!

There are a million advantages and disadvantages to any type of dating. (Family reunions? Plus side: easy to get introduced. Minus side... you get the idea.) But I've noticed more and more that online daters seem to be locking themselves into a very small segment of the e-dating world.

The downside of profile-oriented sites like Match is that they allow you to easily select a bit TOO rigidly. In ruling out mates with certain income brackets, eye colors, body types, or even political leanings, you can inadvertently pigeonhole yourself into a dead end.

Besides, a lot of the time, online daters don't provide the most accurate responses in their profile's fields -- often because they may feel badgered by the parent company to pick an answer, any answer. (What does "Spiritual but not Religous" REALLY mean, anyway? I guarantee you it's not the same across the board!) And you'd be surprised how many different ways people define "Middle of the Road" when it comes to politics. Plus, dating someone with whom you agree 100% can leave you with 0% to talk about by the end of the evening.

Overselection is particularly popular in appearance-related categories. But if you can find both Brad Pitt and George Clooney attractive, then you sure don't need to go checking a box to weed out blue or brown eyes! If you're not having any luck finding matches who turn your crank when you keep re-entering the same search criteria, then mix it up -- see if adding a couple years (not decades) to your parameters makes a difference. How about expanding the location by just five miles? Or your willingness to consider partners with pets?

Honing in on too narrow a group can be self-defeating -- it takes the big wide diverse Internet world and reduces it to just a handful of potentially worthy profiles. (And if none of your favorite e-daters express an interest in you the first time around, you may be forced to expand your search query anyhow!)

We've already talked about how online dating can get a bad rap. But when I press people to elaborate on their general complaints, I often find daters who are simply aghast at the idea of sitting through an entire evening of awkward conversation over dinner with someone they know they won't wanna kiss come midnight.

Here's the thing -- suck it up. Being stuck on a week-long vacation in a one-bedroom timeshare is one thing. But ONE evening of your life won't kill you, and it may even broaden your horizons or open up some other possibilities. I don't think it was generally excusable to try and cut a date short twenty or thirty years ago, no matter how awkward or sparkless things may have felt. It was simply not polite, and it still isn't.

Of course, before the comments get TOO hot and heavy, let me establish that we're not talking about a date with someone who gives you a serial rapist vibe, or some other deeply disturbing impression -- we're just talking about a date in which you know you don't have any spark with your companion, and won't be looking for a second encounter.

I think even if you're convinced there's no chemistry, you can still gain a lot from one evening out with a new person. For example, I once went on a totally unromantic date with a nice but not my type guy who gave me an idea for a startup business and encouraged me to put some of my musings into a formal book. (I'm still working on it, in case you were wondering!)

If you're THAT reluctant to commit to a full date with someone you're unsure about, you're in luck! The online dating era and its "no promises" attitude have moved us into a trend of only meeting up for drinks instead of full-on dinner. So if you're still hesitant about sitting through two whole hours of watching someone chew and swallow, then opt for the liquid-only route -- but make sure to schedule it at a non-mealtime! Otherwise, your date may decide to upgrade to a full evening based on his or her appetite, and you may be stuck along for the ride (and possibly expected to pick up the bill, since all bets are off these days).

I received a copy of They Call Me Naughty Lola from good pal who knows about my online dating moxie. While it's not strictly online, I consider print personal ads to be of the same vein.

David Rose has hand-picked a hilarious selection of brief, quirky, witty, and often masochistic ads from a diverse London Book Review readership. Having mostly been a North American online dater, I'd never seen the vibe that these British ads put out.

The overwhelmingly obvious difference is that Brits seeking love via personal ads are often far more honest about their dysfunctions. Take a look at these excerpts:

Shy, ugly man, fond of extended periods of self-pity, middle aged, flatulent and overweight, seeks the impossible.

Eager-to-please woman, 36, seeks domineering man to take advantage of her flagging confidence. Tell me I'm pretty, then watch me cling.

I read the whole little book cover-to-cover, laughing out loud, and came out with a renewed appreciation of aptly applied self-deprecation. In an era where so many ads contain men and women singing their own praises (whether falsified or not), I found this starkly honest and funny approach to be OH so refreshing!

I've always believed that a sense of humor wins more votes than any other strategy when it comes to writing an ad. (The joke of an ad I wrote a couple years ago landed me the love of my life, after all!) So if anyone out there is struggling with putting words to their request, pick up a copy of this adorable little book and see if you can't get inspired.

This recent post in Craigslist's Best-Of section cracked me up -- the poor poster kept posting Craigslist ads for a MILF, and getting replies from... his own mother. Yikes!

This is funny to me, but I'm sure it's deeply creepy to the author. And it brings up a real concern -- what happens when your post hooks the WRONG kind of person? I one saw an ad on Craigslist that looked somewhat appealing, so I clicked and read and scrolled down to the picture. Of my high-school ex-boyfriend.

You never know what's out there on the Internet, and lots of people shy away from online personals because they're embarrassed to put their face out there (be it for personal or professional reasons). I totally understand this phenomenon -- I wasn't even willing to post a picture in my blog's bio section until a month or two ago. (Right when this Love Online blog started, and they actually required it of me.) And comments like this one don't exactly inspire me to insert my life into a public Flickr account!

But there are studies that show how many more responses Match.com profiles with pictures get, as opposed to photo-less profiles. The difference is massive. However, if you're too camera-shy to suck it up and say "Cheese!", there's always profile-free sites like Craigslist.

Sure, a few people will breeze past your ad if they don't see the telltale "img" text next to your headline. But some readers will check out your listings, and see if they sense a thoughtful, well-written ad with the promise of pics exchanged in a less public forum. In fact, I've never ever posted a picture in a Craigslist personal ad, and it certainly never stopped the replies from pouring in!

Of course, going that anonymous route means you never know who you might get on the other end. What if it's your mother, or your brother? What if you wind up hooking up with a distant cousin, à la Tina Fey on 30 Rock? Or what if, like my good pal Dave*, you wind up replying over and over again to your ex-girlfriend's ads without realizing it?

Yeah, the risk for that sort of thing is stressful. But I find it's often a good idea to make a note of a few specific details, to keep life easier. Maybe you keep getting replies from the same gal you went out with once but didn't click with, but she always uses an email address that doesn't contain her name. Jot it down somewhere! Being organized about dating will save you the awkwardness of exchanging emails only to realize you've already been there and done that.

And if your mom (or your ex, or your sister, or your grandma) replies to your ad, more than once? Well, er, try doing what the best-of guy did and posting an ad to her asking the repeat offender to cool it. At least that way you can avoid the majorly awkward conversation, while hopefully deterring Ma from your signature headline.

*Names changed to protect the once-anonymous.

It can feel a bit awkward to brag about yourself. I mean, how much easier is it to write a glowing letter of recommendation than a glowing cover letter? We're taught that being too self-congratulatory is an unpleasant trait, so when it's time to describe ourselves we tend to clam up a little. Yep, even me.

But it's a good thing to rock your best traits when you're trying to attract a mate. I mean, you don't want to go hiding the entire truth, but a personals profile is not court testimony. People expect you to put your best face forward.

So sometimes, I think it's nice to get a hand with this. ESPECIALLY if you're stumped in the writing process, or just not a writer by nature. Poll some of your closest friends (male and female, gay and straight, monogamists and players -- get a diverse study). Have them jot down a few of your best traits, in their eyes. And start weaving your Personal Ad Tapestry with those beginning threads.

It's also a really good idea to get a friend or two to edit the final product. (And make sure your editors are either members of the gender/orientation combo you're trying to attract; or if they're on the same team as you, at least make sure they're successful daters themselves. Asking a dating dud for his opinion probably isn't going to help you reel in any winners.)

Assure your friend that you want open, honest feedback, and mean it (or at least act like it) -- don't get whiny or mopey or self-defensive if they offer constructive criticism! (If they only dish out destructive criticism, well, get some new friends.)

And voilà! Theoretically, you have a much better personal ad than you could've created on your own -- and you won't feel compelled in the future to come up with BS stories for how you met your sweetie.

Despite all my strong opinions that ANY sort of dating can be dangerous, I do think online dating provides unique risks. After all, a person may suddenly have more access to your personal information than traditional dating methods would provide, and in our interconnected tech-savvy world, information is power. And we all know that power in the wrong hands is a bad thing!

But the good news, of course, is that there's a flip side -- more information means more power to the good guys, too. I've been pseudo-absent from the blogosphere over the past few weeks because I was off celebrating my birthday (which happened to be shared with Jesus's re-birthday this year, so double the festivities, woo!). And I was unexpectedly gifted a very powerful and tech-forward device -- an iPhone! Now I can dig up the dirt like a pro. This little gem has some interesting features -- namely, web apps designed specifically for the iPhone. And some of those apps are damn useful at helping you sniff out potentially freaky dates. They may not tell you whether he's the type of guy who'll never call when he says he will, but they WILL tell you if she's been convicted in three states for identity fraud.

On the Apple WebApps site alone, there are three different apps designed to trace names for residential phone numbers, plus a reverse cell phone lookup feature (because c'mon, who has a land line these days, unless it's for TiVo?). (All these apps can be accessed from a computer, too, and I'm sure there are even more similar sites out there.)

And once you've got the name, well, you're holding all the cards now. For starters, there's the WA State Sex Offender Search, and the Washington Courts search page. And if those don't fit the bill for your area, there are usually skip tracing references specific to your city, county or state, so check out local government pages for the right resources. Plus, some national-level searches are Pretrieve and ZabaSearch. And you'd be surprised at how much a simple Google search will turn up, provided that you enter terms well -- try first and last names in both orders, with and without quotes, and with and without cities and states.

Good hunting!

There seems to be a general consensus that people misrepresent themselves more in online dating than in regular dating. I'm not sure that's a foolproof conclusion -- after all, there were plenty of liars and manipulators and idiots in the dating game before the Advent of Internet. But I do think that it's easier to be less than forthcoming in an e-dating scenario.

For one thing, there's so much less accountability. You don't know the person or any of their friends (in theory), so there's no one to hit you with the backlash of your actions. For another, you're trying to make yourself stand out amongst a sea of other emails or profiles, so you're sometimes game to say whatever will make the person on the other end of the screen go "click". And lastly, I think it's a lot easier to lie in writing than in person or over the phone -- those subliminal tics like your facial expression, the pitch of your voice, and your nervous fidgeting aren't present. (Not that I'd know anything about any of that! ;) But I hear that liars may exhibit some of those symptoms.)

So the real question is, how do you figure out if someone's for real? (And I don't mean, like, is this a Russian bride or a real gal wanting to date me -- I mean is this guy a serial jerk, is this girl going to show up crying on my doorstep screaming obscenities at me for three months after I dump her for being psycho... that sort of thing.) I think this is a really tricky line, but I also think there are certain things you can do to help weed out the bad stuff.

The NUMBER ONE thing is to not get your hopes or expectations up. I don't know about you, fellow e-daters, but I myself would sometimes find myself so sick of being single that I'd view my mediocre e-dates in a much more flattering light, just to have SOMEONE to be romantic with on more than just a one-to-three dates level. Anyone else ever done this? Yeaaaaah, it's a surefire way to wind up with someone who's damaged goods emotionally, or otherwise not really great relationship material.

So remind yourself that you deserve THE BEST, and that settling ain't worth it. Try your darndest to be objective about your e-date, and focus on both their good and their bad qualities! Sure, being overly picky isn't any good either, but that's a whole other type of e-dater. This is just about making sure your date is worth a second try. Does s/he constantly mention his/her ex? Does s/he brag cockily about his/her job, or car, or home? Does s/he throw in not-so-subtle creepy cues, like hardcore drug use or ridiculous player tendencies or anything else that might wig you out? (One e-dater's virtue is another's vice, so obviously these sorts of things are very subjective -- but worth paying attention to.)

I think a lot of us tune out those important clues because we just really want to meet someone with whom we click, so we'll sometimes force it. I've seen both guys and dolls do this, and it's not an effective method of finding online love -- just short-term online activity that often proves unfulfilling (and that can prove downright unpleasant sometimes). Like I said, this is super-subtle.

I myself have found a few ways of weeding out the weirdoes -- for example, when I wrote ads on Craigslist, you might not be shocked to learn that they were VERY LONG. Tiresome for a few readers, sure, but I always got great responses and NO pictures of privates. (And that's saying something, for a lady with a pulse on Craigslist.) And in retrospect, I can tell a couple guys I e-dated gave me plenty of clues as to how totally not over their exes they were -- but instead of paying attention, I ignored the red flags and wound up dating guys who were depressed and emotionally unavailable. I managed to take those cues and back away from other heartbroken guys in the future, though, so it was a good learning experience!

So readers, what are some of your tips for reading between the lines, and figuring out who's for real? Any clues as to figuring out which chicks might be more interested in free dinner and booze than a real connection, or which guys might turn out to be the type who hits on your best friend at your birthday party? Everyone's different, and we all pick up on different cues... I'd love to see some of YOUR tricks for weeding out the bad ones!

So many of the concerns I'm hearing about online dating are valid... to a point. But I have to point out that ANY sort of dating activity can be dangerous in theory. Long before there was any awareness of date rape as a phenomenon, women were being date-raped by overly aggressive guys who were determined to get what they expected out of the night. Then came all the scares about rufies and such, and different types of paranoia set in.

And guys have had their reasons to be freaked out too -- many a Vegas story ends in a guy waking up in his hotel room, befuddled and without his worldly possessions because some harlot pretending to be a sweet girl up for some fun made off with his watch and wallet. I mean, I think this scenario is slightly less common than the female date rape one as far as statistics go, but this is really a discussion for a different blog. My point is, dating can be dangerous for anyone, anytime, anywhere, no matter how you've met the person.

Sure, you know less about a person you meet online than someone a friend introduces you to. But let's say worst-case scenario, your friend's friend does something totally inappropriate or uncomfortable or even threatening on a date. Let's say that person is a regular addition in your social group, so you feel uncomfortable mentioning their bad behavior to your friend. Let's say the person was truly dangerous, and you're constantly put in a situation where you have to see the person again, but you don't speak up because you're worried you'll set them off somehow. You might even wind up in a situation where you feel forced to placate them rather than reject them and invoke their scary reaction to being told no.

This is a totally made-up, speculation-based situation, of course. But it could happen, has probably happened, and undoubtedly will happen to someone, somewhere, sometime. And yet, do people refuse to be set up by their friends? Does the term "blind date" evoke images of serial killers binding and gagging you? Probably not. EVERYTHING carries a certain risk, and the dating world is no exception from this. So while my previous post was all about safety and caution, please let this one serve as a "within moderation" reminder!

When done properly, dating should be fun, stress-free, and safe. Online dating can be the same way, but you have to approach it properly and flex a little from a normal dating routine in order to properly prepare. Still, I've always found that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. You never have to wonder if that cute guy in your art class is actually flirting or just being polite. You never have to guess at another person's intent -- it's right there! LTR! Dating! "Casual only!"

Whatever they want, they generally indicate somehow, and it cuts a lot of the confusing stuff while still leaving the fun get-to-know-you stuff. Not to mention that the likelihood of your online date being someone your best friend has already dated or befriended is drastically reduced when you're not fishing from the same pool. This can just help keep friendships and social dynamics simpler, and it's often easier to make a clean break if things don't work out.

Ever since the advent of online dating, it seems like the Big Safety Question has been even more important. The thing is, though, a lot of pre-online dating scenarios still had the potential for scary stuff to happen. (Date rape was an issue well before our beloved World Wide Web, and I've known many a guy who couldn't shake some clingy gal he picked up at a frat party.) The Internet does facilitate the scary stuff, though, and it provides that many more outlets for bad things to happen. Please bear with me, as this is a longer post with lotsa details I've compiled over the years!

For me, the number one step in online safety is to create a new email address that you only use for online personals. That way, in a worst-case scenario, the person you're suddenly wishing to rid yourself of doesn't have access to your normal channel of communication -- and can't therefore make that channel hell for you.

In creating this new address, make sure you don't use your real name anywhere. Not in the address itself, not in the "From" tag, not in the domain name, and not in the signature. Nowhere. First name only. And if you have a super-duper-recognizable first name, you might wanna skip names altogether. Make sure this is not an address you've used to comment on forums or any other outlet which might out you. This is for DATING ONLY. (If you get annoyed with having to check multiple accounts, you can set this one to forward to your regular account, but you should still only reply from the dating account for dating-related messages. Google and Google Apps have a great system for this if you need a referral.)

You should also make sure the password to this account is different than the password to all your other accounts. (Oops, see? Mistake #1. I use the same password for everything, even though I know you're not supposed to. But for this one, really do make it different -- Seattle's a damn tech-savvy town, and you never know who'll be able to hack what! Keeping this password different may be a bit paranoid, but you'll be glad if anything freaky ever happens.)

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Anyone out there tried Craigslist for dating? Those who know me know I'm a big fan -- it's free, there are no character limits, and you participate on an at-will basis, there's no MatchSpam, and no need to post a photo if you don't want to, etc., etc. I consider Craigslist to be the Holy Grail of Online Dating Services -- that is, if you're willing to play the game right.

Played wrong, your inbox fills up with a) pictures of penises, if you're a straight gal; or b) nothing at all, if you're a straight guy. Okay, these aren't hard-and-fast rules, but they are bummer CL stereotypes that definitely have some truth to them. So if you're a guy trying to make an impression on the List of Craig, how do you do it?

Well, if you're responding to a gal's ad, it really helps to make yourself stand out somehow. My current Craigslist-found beau PhotoShopped an image of himself with funny text and whatnot, which made me cackle out loud at my keyboard. Since humor and wit are the top two things I suss out in a potential partner, his approach hit home.

But even if your potential gal isn't all for jokes, there are ways to make yourself stand out. Being a little funny or witty or just genuine is one-upping most online responses. So many guys write saying "K send a pic and I'll send one" or "WHATS YOURE NUMBER????" that just being yourself goes a LONG way!

Tell a funny story about something that just happened at work, or about a hike you just took, or how much you hated a movie your friends all loved. No need to ham it up or fabricate details -- just give her a little something that makes you look less generic than all the other guys who wrote her (and trust me, if a gal writes a decent ad on Craigslist, then you've got competition).

Of course, the ladies also have to do their part in standing out from the crowd -- but we'll get to that next time.

A couple years ago, I went on what may or may not have been an online date (the jury's still out). The guy was getting a lot of Seattle notoriety based on some protests he'd led, but the only pic I'd seen of him was a sort of out-of-focus media shot at one such event. Cute, but it still left some mystery.

So we arranged to meet up at a darkly-lit but cozy and adorable crêperie. I arrived about two minutes early, and I was looking for a guy who had brown hair glasses and, what, a picket sign? We hadn't thought to coordinate further than that. Well, a cute guy with similar features was already at the bar with a drink. So I smiled and waved, and he grinned back. I walked up and said, "You must be Christian." Indeed, he was.

The wrong Christian.

With the same hair, glasses, and NAME. It was a little loud, and I didn't specifically say "I'm Virginia" because, hey, one figures the guy knows who his date is. Right?

It took us a full five minutes of friendly warm-up banter on my part and confused but polite banter on his, before we put two and two together. We had a good laugh about it, we bought each other a drink, and then I took my drink to the other end of the bar to make it obvious that I was still waiting to meet up with the REAL Christian. Two seconds later, who should walk in the door? The real Christian. Brown shaggy hair, glasses, and frankly, much more my type than Christian #1.

Let this be a lesson to you all! The whole book-with-a-flower Meg-Ryan thing may be a bit overdone, but don't neglect to mention your outfits to each other before the meetup. In fact, that can provide a great way to have a bit of friendly phone chat before the actual date, which can help ease any in-person awkwardness when you do finally see each other in-person. Win-win. Except maybe for Christian #1, but hey, at least we all got a good story out of it (including the bartender!).