Posted by Mr. Mystery at 1/9/08 5:35 p.m.

Interesting that men are are "far [less] likely" to consider divorce after having children.

Posted by Serenity at 1/9/08 5:38 p.m.

I think men are less likely to consider divorce after kids arrive, because by and large, it's still very hard for a divorced father to get equal time with the kids after the divorce. The mother is still much more likely to end up the primary custodial parent after a divorce, and many fathers rightly fear losing daily contact with their children.

Posted by River1 at 1/9/08 5:45 p.m.

Serenity.... Totally agree. The cost of divorce in terms of custody and time with the kids is the reason men don't want a divorce. They just get sex on the side!

Posted by djc at 1/9/08 8:14 p.m.

This article is outrageously oversimplistic. Anyone (and Pepper Schwartz should know this but then her analyses are habitually overrated) with half a brain knows that sex is - even for men - driven by emotions and mental desires. That's especially true in a marriage. It would be more helpful to know how communication about other needs first in a marriage actually contributed to the loss of a desire to bond physically.

Previous studies have shown that men tend to get angry or hurt over power struggles regarding finances, while women do over the way that things are phrased. How difficult is it to see that a lack of understanding is likely to be at the root of failing marriages. Showing mutual respect for one another underpins the ability to work through to understanding each other better. Out of that flows physical desire.

It's highly insulting and a throwback (there was a time when a woman could be excommunicated from the Catholic Church if she refused sex to her husband; and keep in mind that no birth control was allowed) to suggest that any spouse can "insist" on sex, when they haven't been fulfilling THEIR emotional responsibilities within the marriage. Does anyone remember what "love, honor and cherish" means? The world is filled with enough shallowness and selfishness; home must be the place where caring and dignity are absolutely the rule.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/9/08 8:15 p.m.

or perhaps the man's behavior hasn't changed appropriately to match the responsibility of raising a child, and thinks his current habits are still acceptable...

... while the wife realizes major things need to change, now that there's a little one completely dependent on parents for everything.

Posted by eapoeallen at 1/9/08 8:51 p.m.

our society thinks way too much on this type of thing. who cares really? it either works or it don't. if its time to go, go already. life is short man.

Posted by Sailsman at 1/9/08 9:00 p.m.

Men do not share the bonding that mothers do, by childbirth.
Most of the interaction between offspring, and fathers, occurs over a long period of growing, so dissolution of a marriage is replaced by continued relationship with the offspring, and sex on the side.

Posted by priestess at 1/9/08 9:35 p.m.

Why hasn't anyone mention that there is 2% difference between Sex, Money & verbal/physical abuse as the cause of divorce for men. With a 2.6% margin of error then those three topics are TIED - Sex is not the major reason for divorce, but is one of three major causes. This article was just another excuse to put the word "Sex" in a title - how lame! Just another oportunity to let Pepper speak from her vast nymphomania- this time blaming men for being sex centered, when that seems to be her ailment. Give the poor guys a fair shake PI - this was pathetic.

Posted by waggingitseattle at 1/9/08 11:07 p.m.

It is clear that brothels kept marriages together.

Men got sex, and the women they had sex with were not going to break up marriages.

Then, with the rise of the sexual revolution, law enforcement quit "winking" at prostitution, since most people could find marriage-threatening sex in bars.

Let's have post-sexual revolution wisdom, and pre-sexual revolution family-stabilizing prostitution.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/9/08 11:22 p.m.

Priestess is totally right. Do the math on this one. The headline is very deceptive. The three main reasons are tied.

Posted by NAYSAYING TROLL at 1/10/08 3:12 a.m.

We have been married 27 years, and I am sure my wife would be very unhappy if we stopped having sex.

What is wrong with these women who no longer love their husbands, but expect them to pay the bills? No wonder their man leaves.

Posted by rbob at 1/10/08 4:31 a.m.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/9/08 9:24 p.m.

NO I don't think she did. Can you cite chapter and verse or do you just sort of remember that you heard that somewhere?

What a smarmy, nasty, rude thing to say about someone.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 6:20 a.m.

Alcohol and verbal abuse led me to my divorce. Also lack of any type of sex. My ex had hip replacement several years ago and two years before that sex was painful for him. Okay, I understand that. After the first operation we tried sex once. It was scary, not kknowing if moving would pop the joint out. Then there was nothing after the second operation. Not even "alternative" sex. So when the respect went out the door, so did I. I miss the man I married ten years ago but not the treatment of recent years.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 7:28 a.m.

Sex can definately destroy a marriage. But it isn't necessarily the husbands fault. We all fall in love with the individual. Her/his character, personailty, and physical attraction. When one of these changes the capacity to accept that change can be very difficult. A warm caring man or woman can change when events and circumstances effects the person we fall in love with. The husband who early in the marriage shows affection and respect then changes to using verbal or physical abuse will kill a marriage. A pretty woman who over the years puts on 100 pounds will kill a marriage. The argument is that we have to have the maturity and selflessness to accept these changes. But to do so will mean that the couple will spend the rest of their years in sadness because neither one can find a solution that will overcome these changes. They may feel "stuck". Both spouses should always consider what effects these changes are doing to their relationship and work together to make things right again. IT can be done. It isn't always easy but in the end (as an individual who has been ther done that) it is worth having a lifemate to the end.

Posted by johnnytheman at 1/10/08 7:50 a.m.

wow anyone who thinks sex isn't that important to a man is NOT a man, and has never been a man, and really should NEVER speak as if they understand what a man thinks.

Some women who want to believe it's something to bargain over, please go right ahead, but you will lose.

Of course I am talking about reasonably healthy relationships going through a difficult time. I am not talking about abusive relationships where force is used to negate her rights.

Withholding sex (and yes men do it too) is tantamount to a declaration of war between the man and woman.

And just like a declaration of war should be the very last option, so too should ending the sexual relationship be the very last option for either.

In the real world war is a sign of absolute failure of all other efforts. It's stupid to put the denial of sex at the top of your list as ways to make your partner conform.

Good, healthy sexual relations are the ULTIMATE relationship pacifier. It's hard to stay mad at someone who provides so much pleasure.

A silent withdrawal from sex is massively confusing to a man. Linear thinkers are NOT quick to connect, what to them, are UNrelated causes for a woman's loss of interest.

In this case, it's women who won't talk, or at least will not talk in the simple, singular words that most men will "get" in regards to a problem.

Women tend to speak too euphemistically about something men speak very graphically.

A woman will say I really love physical stimulation, then grumble as a man gropes around clueless.

If she had said exactly what she meant and NOT felt shameful or embarrassed he would have been happy to massage her clitoris. LOL

A relationship is not a one night stand, In a relationship, the need for cutsie language to talk about sex issues is not a good thing.

Of course this is general, and only meant a a frame of reference. You could apply this to any type of sexual communication.

Before cutting off sex, a women has to be sure, she's come down to a man's level verbally - and it is coming down in terms of complexity and shaded meanings.

When it comes to the relationships between the sexes, men don't seem to do nuance, at least not like women do.

The emotional aspects are what make it great, yes, BUT without the SEX, the emotional aspects can whither pretty rapidly.

Sex is the water for the plant.

And just like withholding watering from a plant will kill it, so too will withholding sex kill a relationship.

You DO have a right to withhold it. No one has a right to force you to have sex, nor expect you to have sex, BUT be aware your choosing the "final option" not just one of "many options" to solve a problem. An option that usually increases the likelihood of total failure.

Withholding sex, regardless of the reason is deprives a man of a key point that connects him emotionally to his partner. Cutting that connection during times of problems is like cutting off your nose to spite your face. You won't win your battle, and have set yourself to lose far more - his sense EMOTIONAL connection will whither without sex.

I've heard some say this makes men seem like nothing more than rutting animals, and dismisses our evolved spiritual side blah blah blah. Guess what we are animals, and just like animals we can be triggered to want and need, or triggered to do the opposite rather easily, and NO amount of intelligent, rationale conversation will change that reaction. Sex is one of those triggers.

No one has the right to expect monogamy if they refuse to fulfill the sex part.

No one should expect a man to be the same when you withhold sex.

When one side deems the pleasure from sex as not very important, and turns sex into an instrument of control - the end of the relationship is in site.

Any attempt to "moralize" this; any attempt to talk about "commitments; fall, because SEX IS PART OF THE COMMITMENT. Withholding sex breaks the vows.


My feeling is women are just as able to enjoy sex as men, but not as driven to get it. But that alone is not the source of the problem is the Cultures that make a woman feel bad in various ways for wanting what is natural to want.

So it's no surprise that in a relationship with problems, a woman thinks "withholding sex" should not be that big a deal, certainly not on the level of cheating.


Just as a man has no right to demand sex from any woman, no woman has a right to tell a man how much he should value sex.

It is utter nonsense to talk about marriage as "all about love" and talk about sex as just the cherry on top.

For men at least it is much a part of the whole dish as any part. It can't be separated without destroying it.

Men do not do well with the Solomon like choice of sex OR love - most men pushed that way will opt to just end the relationship or cheat.

Posted by north at 1/10/08 8:02 a.m.

I can believe that women cite 'abuse' as a reason to leave their marriages.
I know several men, me included, that never had any inkling of even the slightest abuse until we filed for divorce.
Then the accusations came hard and fast.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 9:04 a.m.

johnnytheman you are really close to illustrating a man's perspective in simple language.
I have been in this exact situation. I got married and started my family, my wife was wonderful. Initially we had finacial difficulties which made me feel bad that I wasn't able to take care of my family "the way a man should." So strapped up my boots and went to work to provide my wife all the housing and financial securities that she need. Well this required me to find spend the time to develop my skills and choose an emerging field that had growth.
Safe to say I did well for the family but my wife began to withhold sex from me and we did have sex it was without any cuddling just get on top and finish the job. I was hurt but my wife could not(or would not) understand my issue and my need for intimate sexual relations. This was probably one of my most vulnerable moments in our relationship. To sooth my hurt I began to numb my self to situation and stop approaching my wife. In time it deteriorated to the point that I found people outside of my marriage who treat my sexuality with more care and sensitivity.
I know that this is not the proper solution however, I think woman undervalue the importance of sex in a healthy relationship. Sex is natural and just like we need to eat there is a need to have sex. Sex is also a physical connection to your wife, without sex this connection is broken and for me made it hard to be empathetic to her needs. Well, after a brief separation my wife and I are together and we talk more openly about sex and the importance of it in our marriage. As she says now "If I don't have sex with you or use sex as a bargaining chip it opens the door for you to get it fulfilled somewhere else."

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 9:12 a.m.

But WHY do women stop having sex with their husbands? Often it is because trust and respect for said husband has been compromised or diminished. I quit having sex with my ex because I no longer trusted him due to his pervasive lying and lack of regard for his family's well-being. He betrayed me over and over again and I no longer wanted him. I still love sex, but not with him! Sex is a barometer for the health of a marriage. Find out why your spouse no longer wants you and fix it, or don't and move on.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 9:53 a.m.

Why is it that so many of you assume that it's the woman who refuses sex to the marriage partner? My partner is still in his 40s and "just not interested in sex anymore" and not interested in finding a solution to what he doesn't consider to be a problem. (Like one more chore he doesn't need to perform.)

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 10:26 a.m.

Jonnytheman is very close i think. I'll go out on a limb and say the controversial. I think that once married, when a man wants sex, a woman can sometimes hold that over him as power. This puts him in a difficult situation where he weighs his needs against the guilt of either leaving or finding sex elsewhere. I agree with Jonny it's an underestimation of the impact. They WILL in fact leave or cheat. It's coming from somwehere so think twice ladies. And if it's that "i'm not attracted" to him anymore, consider why that might be. Could it be because he's no longer the free spiritied hunter gatherer that attracted you in the first place? Now he's a boring family man. And guess what, you helped make him that way!

Posted by lundtheconqueror at 1/10/08 10:42 a.m.

Here comes all the woman who want to give their 2-cents on why they stopped having sex with their husbands. People, that's the point. You get mad at something we say, so then you basically deny the man sex, which, makes us think of elsewhere. If you want us to be faithful, just roll over and be there....lord knows, that's pretty much what any of you ladies do anyways. We'll do our thing, and then we can watch TV or sleep and you can go tell your friends about some celebrity gossip!
NOW YOU KNOW!!!

Posted by Will in Seattle at 1/10/08 10:49 a.m.

I think the major problem usually is that many women won't tell men why they're mad. Seriously. Women frequently bottle it up inside - and are surprised that men will take their "I'm ok" response as being true.

Which leads to withholding sex - and that leads to breakups by men.

If you're married, you have to tell men why you're upset. If you want him to do something, you have to be explicit as to exactly what you want. Hinting never works. Ever.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 10:52 a.m.

I'm a bit shocked about the 'withholding sex' comments. Sex is not like cookies, it is the most emotionally & physically powerful and vulnerable interaction between two. If someone does not want sexual contact with their partner, that is a BIG red flag about the state of the love connection, or a health issue.
I am menopausal, and had not slept a full night through in over a year. I was chronically exhausted, thus sex for me went down the priority list-waaay down. Though sad & frustrated, my partner understood. Now that I am rested, we are making up for lost time! Don't believe menopausal women aren't sexual-we can be if we get some sleep first.
BTW guys, assume a woman's vagina has the sensitivity of your testicles, and that her clitoris is equivalent to the tip of your penis. Believing that only vaginal intercourse will provide sexual stimulus to the point of an orgasm for her is like believing that if she stimulates your testicles & ignores your penis, you can orgasm. Treat her clitoris as you want your penis treated-with lots of attention, and EVERY time you make love, not just the occasional 'massage' ! Ask questions. Ask her to show you. Being a better lover will help alot when you're feeling sexual. If touch is your language of love, become fluent in your partners vocabulary!

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 10:57 a.m.

My sex relationship with my boyfriend was ruined by his porn addiction. Men should want to lust after their women, not a picture in a mag or video. Give that attention to your woman. Make her feel your interest. To me, it is purely selfish. I am a beautiful woman who never had any problems with sex in the past...until my guy chose his addiction over me.

Posted by macker at 1/10/08 11:07 a.m.

I agree with every single thing Johnnytheman says. Well said.

"wow anyone who thinks sex isn't that important to a man is NOT a man, and has never been a man, and really should NEVER speak as if they understand what a man thinks."

BINGO!

Posted by slingshot at 1/10/08 11:36 a.m.

After being married for close to 20 years with 2 children as well as spending the last 7 years in serious study on marital relationships the thing that this blog article above shows as well as many other books and articles that I have read up to the present time and people that I have gotten to know personally who have had marriages fail on them is that a good portion of the people that are currently married, those who have been but have divorced for reasons that didn't involve things such as serious as physical or verbal abuse to the themselves or their kids and those who maybe thinking about getting married in the future I don't believe really understand what marriage is about. And I believe that both men and women share in this lack of understanding.

It is easy to see why as well. We live in a society where marriage is no longer viewed as being important. Marriage is no longer viewed as a institution that was, and, is divinely created. That is what happens when God is taken off the throne and self is placed on the throne seat instead. Commitment to another for a lifetime was a foundational building block for a successful marriage. Today it is viewed as being unattainable and that it is unreasonable to ask anyone to make such a commitment. Instead of it being about building a life together it is about, "what can I get out of this"? Once a person decides that they are not receiving out of the marriage what they feel they ought to be or deserve than being unfaithful or getting a divorce are seen as the alternatives to handling a marriage that is in need of help.

If people truly want to be intellectually honest about why marriages breakdown there needs to be an agreement that both people-husbands and wives-in a good portion of these marriages that end in divorce or are currently in a great need of restoration are responsible for why the marriages are in the unfortunate state that they are in. There has been in too many cases over the years not enough honest introspection of one's own contributions to why a marriage has broken down and instead there has been a ton of blame and fingerpointing going on. Some of it legitimate. Some of it not.

There does not seem to be a lack of knowledge about how men and women are hard wired. There are, and have been, some good books and articles written on that. So ignorance is no longer an excuse. Men and women have differing needs. And in the way we are uniquely created we can meet those needs in the other, to a good degree, if we are committed to them and love them. But that requires sacrificing "self" for the other to some degree. In short "Its not all about you". Which flies directly in the face of what our society and culture teaches and endorses.

I would like to end this on a positive note. Specifically for the men that are husbands out there. This blog's article was misleading. If you were to read the title alone it makes it sound that men are once again the central blame for marriages being in shambles and when you throw the issue of sexual intimacy and a lack of contentment with it in the mix it really makes men look selfish because of how sex is seen in many people's eyes as purely a physical issue and not as a emotional and spiritual one as well. In the last 15 plus years or so I believe men/husbands have made some real strides in becoming better husbands and fathers in their marriages and homes. There has been a movement to make men aware of what not only their needs are but to come to a greater understanding of what their wives needs are and how they need to step up and strive to meet those needs. In comparison to how men related relationally to their wives back 40-50 years ago I think there has been improvement and this needs to acknowledged. I have come to hear and understand some of the frustrations that these men have who have stepped up yet feel that their wives have not stepped forward as well to do the same for them. Although to a degree it is to be expected. For too many years I believe that wives had to fill in the gaps of where husbands/fathers were physically present but in too many cases were emotionally and spiritually absent in the home. So it has been hard I am sure for some wives to believe that a husband who has been "checking out" for too many years who suddenly figures it out to all of sudden believe he will step up and strive to meet her needs. But it has happened in a good many marriages and hopefully it will continue to.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 11:53 a.m.

The comment about "sex isn't like cookies" is just flat wrong. To men, it is like cookies to a good degree. It is core to many hard wired natural behaviors of man. You're choice!

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 12:01 p.m.

Women lose interest in sex because they lose respect/interest in their husbands. Period. No ifs ands or buts. It takes two to make a marriage work but most marriage self help books or marital counseling is sought by women. I read a very recent article (within the last two weeks - can't find it again) that stated that though marriage benefits both women and men, Men benefit quite a bit more. Women give up more and generally do more to promote the well being of their marriage and when it is not reciprocated, bitterness sets in.

Plus, if women start to view a man as a child, someone they have to constantly pick up after, cook for, do laundry for and assauge thier tender egos, the less likely women will view their husband as an attractive mate and more like a child which contributes to a major loss of desire. Yes, they love their husband but love him more like a child than desire him.

Someone mentioned above that women don't come right out and say what's bothering them - which is untrue. Women are constantly accused of nagging their man with this and that with men letting it go in one ear and out the other. It's why many men claim they didn't see their divorce coming. Their wife said nothing then said she wanted out. But au contraire....she'd been saying it for years to no avail, he just wasn't listening. If I were a man, I'd worry if my wife had nothing to left to say.

Bottom line is if your wife isn't interested in sex, she isn't interested in you. Any woman denying that statement is a big, fat, liar. I will say that men of today (Gen X and Up) are much better fathers and husbands than previous generations.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 12:06 p.m.

Interesting - so, I left my husband after 8 years of marriage because he was verbally and emotionally abusive although I didn't recognize there was actually a name for what he was doing until much later. I grew up with a verbally/emotionally abusive dad and married another version of him. I didn't know any different. I can tell you though that I tried hard to make the marriage work, but his abuse took the sex out of our marriage. The thought of it with *him* made me nauseated. I tried to pull my marriage together and talk to him about his treatment of me, but he said he didn't understand - no matter how I tried to tell him in however many ways. I didn't withhold sex - I just couldn't contemplate the thought. He didn't leave, I did. After getting a divorce, I thought that if all men were this way, I would be so much happier without. Happily, I found out that all men aren't this way. Now, I'm in a very loving relationship with a very healthy sex life.

Just as an aside, someone up above mentioned women who gain weight after marriage as a turn-off - don't think that isn't true for men too. You guys whose bellys hang over your pants - not so attractive.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 12:49 p.m.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 11:53 a.m.
"The comment about "sex isn't like cookies" is just flat wrong. To men, it is like cookies to a good degree."
WOW, by all means buy yours off the shelf, but don't complain that it doesn't taste as good as homemade! People are not objects to be had.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 2:30 p.m.

If the reason a woman is not having sex with her husband is because she is not attracted to him then she needs to come out and say it "MAN UP!" To oftern instead of being honest she will choose the financial security that the man provides. But if she hides this fact then the seeds of dishonesty are planted and eventually he will not be attracted to her and go elsewhere. I am not referring to those situations where physical or verbal abuse is occuring or a medical limitation.
Things that I have observed in woman is that it's okay to where low cut jeans with your thong showing but not okay for your husband to look at porn. Who are low cut thong showing pants for? Just like mean I think woman get married and realize that the freedom and choices to attract and get to know someone isn't there. When difficulties in the marriage arise these feelings surface and sex is generally withheld
As men when our woman withholds sex we know she is disinterested in us and most likely looking to attract someone elses attention. But we lie to ourselves as if we can actually handle the situation but the truth of the matter is we can't. In the long run both women and men contribute to this situation.
If he ain't getting it from you he is getting it from somewhere else. But also works for woman, if she ain't getting it from you she is probably getting it from somewhere else.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 3:01 p.m.

For about 3 years, my ex-husband begged to get divorced because of sex. Our sex life hadn't stopped, but it was at about a once a month basis because his porn habit had increased a lot since he turned 40 and it really kind of turned me off to hear him talk about it incessantly. He would tell me he preferred it to sex with me. Kind of a turn off, to say the least.

Men, take note, when you have sex with your wife.. make her feel special and like the center of attention.. even if you have other fantasies.

I did a lot, compromised a lot, was game for fetish play and in the end he had an affair because try as I might, I just couldn't be an equal to the barely legal ideal from the internet.

When the girlfriend found out he was married, she dumped him, and then I put out the garbage myself.

The proliferation of porn has changed a lot in our culture, some for the worse, some for the better.

I also thing that men like my ex use porn as a substitute if they can't find purpose in their life in other areas. My ex had been chronically unemployed for several years and his interest in porn kind of seemed to suck up his motivation for other things. As well I suspect that he was losing his potency, so needing the bigger and bigger thrill to have the drive to even get going.
I stuck by for several years hoping that things would get better. They didn't. He got more and more abusive.. leeched off me and refused to earn a dime.

When I finally filed for divorce he was hopping mad, even though he had begged for it for years.

Men and women need to talk about porn...

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 3:22 p.m.

I have problems when my wife said that she likes having sex but it ends up only once a month. I do not watch porn because she would leave me if I did. Also i do admit she is a little heavier and I am 15 pounds heavier.

I still find her sexy and tell her everyday in front of the kids and friends. Her usual response to this is do not touch me and you are not getting it.

She complained about her last husband eleven years ago of not wanting to be intimate when we started dating. Now when I bring that up she blames the hormon changes due to child birth that cause her not to want to get intimate.

I do not abuse her due to the abuse I had from my ex wife. It hurts to even think about raising my voice at her.
She tells her friends all I want is sex when I'm around her. But it seems I have to try every day for a month hoping to get lucky. I ask her if it is because of the extra 15 pounds and she says no. She will not tell me what I need to do. I get no answer except I do not want it as often since we have had kids.

We are on eleven years and still working hard to figure out what she needs to feel intimate. She jokes how man can just switch it on. It is because when you only get offered once a month you have to take it or lose it.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 3:47 p.m.

Whoever wrote this and responded to the "Cookies" comment, Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 11:53 a.m.
"The comment about "sex isn't like cookies" is just flat wrong. To men, it is like cookies to a good degree."
WOW, by all means buy yours off the shelf, but don't complain that it doesn't taste as good as homemade! People are not objects to be had"

That's the problem. When men want sex, women often assume it's demeaning to them in some way. "People are not objects?" I wasn't saying they are. Just saying that sex is a requirement for most men. They will not go celebate. Few people would go away from "homemade" as you call it if it was actually available. But if i can't eat Filet, I'll eat Crow to survive right?

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 4:01 p.m.

Withholding sex... Why do guys ALWAYS see it as something women USE against them as if on purpose? It's well known that desire is more of a mental thing for women than it is for men (who can practically get turned on by a gust of wind!). When a woman thinks kindly of a guy, he becomes more attractive and desirable in her eyes, when she is upset or disappointed with him, well.... he starts looking gross at that moment. I love sex, but if I happen to be disgusted with my guy cuz he was being a jerk, I just CAN'T get turned on by him no matter how much I want to. I know how important sex is to guys, it's pretty important to us too. But guys, seriously, trying to have sex when we aren't turned on is like you guys trying to do the deed with a limp dingy - futile and frustrating. (My guess is you guys would take it anyway, huh? Better than nothing?)
Now I can't speak for all the ladies cuz just like with guys, there are some bad ones in the bunch, but this is what I've observed.
I wish I could explain it better here, but it has helped out a lot of my guy friends to understand that about their ladies.
If she's not having sex with you, she's just not turned on by you AT THE MOMENT. Work it out give her space and you'll start looking hot to her again in no time.

Also, different people have different drives in both sexes. I think compatibility is a HUGE factor in successful relationships, so when it comes to sex you need to find someone who is your speed. Believe it or not, I once knew with a guy who had a low libido - the boy had to go!

Posted by unregistered user at 1/10/08 4:18 p.m.

If the rate of people having affairs is 80% how can sex be the main reason for divorce?

The true reason for divorce? Lack of communication, pure and simple. Yes, sex is an issue, but if you don't talk about the issues your relationship is destined for failure.

Posted by BenStatic at 1/10/08 4:39 p.m.

I've noticed that when I stop burping / farting and scratching myself, and dress a little better, get a haircut and shave more often - I have a far better chance of having sex with my wife.

Just saying fellas - take care of your business, you won't be dissapointed.

Posted by unregistered user at 1/11/08 8:01 a.m.

Very insightful points and sex and marriage. I also saw a related video, somewhat satiric, but entertaining, and also relieving, for the Dads out there. It's from DadLabs, they have many episodes for the dads out there:

http://www.dadlabs.com/home/2008/1/1/242-the-lounge-sara-hickman-part-i.html

Posted by mindimer at 1/11/08 5:10 p.m.

Um, hi, TheMommyBlog here, source for this item.

Several things struck me:

1."...treat my sexuality with more care and sensitivity." TOTALLY KEY!

2. "I quit having sex with my ex because I no longer trusted him due to his pervasive lying and lack of regard for his family's well-being. He betrayed me over and over again and I no longer wanted him. I still love sex, but not with him!"

3. "...if women start to view a man as a child, someone they have to constantly pick up after, cook for, do laundry for and assuage their tender egos, the less likely women will view their husband as an attractive mate and more like a child which contributes to a major loss of desire. Yes, they love their husband but love him more like a child than desire him."

4. "Bottom line is if your wife isn't interested in sex, she isn't interested in you."

That last is the simplist and probably most honest answer. It wasn't that I didn't want sex, I just didn't want to be the only grownup earning and monitoring debt and breastfeeding and giving birth for seven years. Yes, yes, hi-tech downturn, but talk about manning-up... there's no way to get someone to do that if you've said it once and it didn't make a dent.

I was cheated on, lied to, had money hidden from me, supported the family for four years, all while caring for three children born in four years. I eventually waiting until he found a job, and then mortgaged myself to the hilt to pay him out and keep the house for the kids.

So: hurrah for treating sexuality with more care and sensitivity, yay for trust and regard for family's well being, and double kudos for recognizing that it's not the sex, it's YOU. And that goes both ways, sisters. Sex is all about wanting to be close to and respecting the other. if there's no trust or closeness, you can't fake sex. It's demeaning.

And the one thing is that I disagree with is the title "Why Men Leave: Sex." It may be that they leave, it may be that they are asked to leave, or sex could be used as the big smoking stick in order to not have to go over all the tiny little things that have chipped away at your relationship.

It's a long life, people. Choose wisely, but if it's bad for not only you but those around you, MAN UP and do the right thing. My ex and I get along SO WELL since the divorce, knowing that we don't have to live together or be responsible for each other's decisions or deal with the aftermath of each other's actions.

It can be done. Move a mile away, stay friendly, show the kids that you're both still there and like each other, and they will adjust in a year. I am totally amazed at how well it can work when people are brave enough to do what almost no one else does: divorce with clear eyes, tenderness, and grace. AND NO BADMOUTHING THE OTHER PARENT! : )