Once you go over the dozen mark, it's no longer an easy matter to find a qualified (or even unqualified) catsitter. What if you've surpassed two dozen kitties? The thing is, my husband and I need a week away. Someone must care for the kitties, all 28 of them.

Here's my newspaper ad. Tell me what you think.

Petsitter wanted
A special person is needed for a week to live in a house resembling a zoo. You must be prepared to have at least five cats in your lap at all times. Sleep? Forget it! The bed is shared with a dozen lumpy cats. You'll have to fight for a corner of the pillow.

These 28 cats shed, claw, sneeze and drool their way through life. This means a wee bit of extra housework. Another thing: The kitty dishes never end. The sink is always full. The water bowls are always empty, so they need checking hourly.

Feline entertainment is a critical area. As far as petting heads or scratching behind ears, if you divvy up your time to 15 minutes per day per cat, you can cover all 28 in just seven hours. (Keep a list.) Aren't you glad there are 24 hours in a day? That should leave you plenty of time for clean-ups and filling those water bowls. Plus walking the dogs. We did mention the three pooches, right?

You'll need another couple of hours every day to toss around balls and rubber mousies. Playtime is important. We don't want the cats and dogs parked in front of the tv all day. They need exercise! Grooming? Expect another couple of hours daily for brushing and flea-checking

Applicants should be warned there's no way to sit down at a table for a normal meal when there are so many cats milling about (Dogs may beg, but they don't jump in your plate.) We recommend you eat standing up and as quickly as possible. Forget reading. The cats will perch on your book. Forget watching tv as well. Cat tails will only be in the way.

My help wanted ad ran for days. Oddly, not a soul answered! What do you think was the problem?

Q: Are you trapped at home by your cats?